33 Proven Ways To Make REAL Friends When Travelling

33 Proven Ways To Make Friends When Travelling

By ‘make friends when travelling’ I’m talking about meaningful connections, real friends and deep bonds that can last for a lifetime.

As an online life coach, online counsellor, online relationship coach, and digital nomad, I get how hard it can be to make friends when travelling. It’s easy to feel like you’re alone, even when you’re surrounded by people.

But I can promise you, no matter who you are, there are folks out there who desperately need you in their life. Whether that’s in the short-term to wreak havoc in a new city, or whether that’s in the long-term making a speech at your 80th birthday. I’ve been lucky enough to meet plenty of both over my lifetime.

I’ve spent most of my adult life travelling or moving to new towns, cities and countries. I’ve travelled with partners and I’ve travelled alone.

My footprints are scattered on well-trodden paths as well as roads much less traveled.

I’ve stayed in hostels, guesthouses, homestays, hotels, rentals, share houses, and everywhere in-between. I’m a 44 year old digital nomad with friends all over the world. And you know, I’m a therapist and relationship coach, so I reckon i’ve got the credentials to offer legit, personalised tips on making friends when travelling.

Because this isn’t some listicle thrown together with AI. Yuck. This is some majorly in-depth shit, wildly ranging from the practical to the internal to the emotional, much of which is based on my personal experience, as well as that of my clients, friends and readers.

So buckle up and get ready to hear some PROVEN ideas on effective ways to make friends when travelling.

1) Stay longer than two days

Sure, some places are just about the sites, but most places have a lot more to offer than a museum or a waterfall. I know it’s tempting to extreme sightsee, but the reality is you’re gonna miss out on so much of what makes travel great if you’re rushing. And if you expect to make friends when you’re only in ever in a place for 1 or 2 nights, then you’re putting way too much pressure on yourself. Slow down, take a day off. It’s not a tragedy to miss out on gallery #35.

Within a week of leaving Australia for the first time, my then-partner and a friend parked ourselves on a small island beach in Malaysia for two weeks. We went on to travel with some of the people we met there for the next few months, on and off. It was a perfect way for a nervous newbie to start a long stint of backpacking.

2) When you’re in the common spaces in a backpacker hostel, look past the most popular person

You’re much more likely to connect with someone who has the space and time for a new friend than someone who’s full-up with people and plans. It’s easy to feel intimidated by the idea that ‘everyone’ is having a great time and connecting more easily than you, but I can promise you that’s not true. A lot of these people will have only been there a day or two. Maybe they’re hanging around the outskirts of the outgoing confident ‘seasoned’ traveller, but they’re actually not feeling it at all. Don’t be a creep about it, but just pay attention.

That lovely human who’s hanging back a tad awkwardly could be your new  BFF. As an online counsellor and personal coach I can help you feel more confident in yourself and improve these kind of people skills

3) Look for signs you might have something in common with someone

Are they wearing a band t’shirt you like? Did you hear them mention a movie or TV show you love? What book are they reading? What is the overall feeling you’re getting from the different people you meet and see (even if they’re speaking a different language from you)? If you’re pretty fresh out of school or even Uni, you might never have had to do this, because there’s a huge bunch of ‘available’ people there. So be kind to yourself, and then tune in. To them and to you.

And it doesn’t have to be too deep. A couple of years ago I found myself making friends to a small group of awesome folks during a training course. I realised later that we all had noserings. I have no idea if this similarity signalled something, but hey, it’s a start!

4) Staying in a guesthouse or a hotel? Interrupt people. Nicely.

Because people are often alone or in a couple in a guesthouse, you might think they want to stay that way. Many of them don’t. So take a chance. Start a chat with someone by the pool or over breakfast. The worst that can happen is that it doesn’t go well. And yeah, that can feel embarrassing or frustrating, but getting used to rejection is the only way to lessen that sting. It’s no big deal and it’s not about you being ‘unlikeable’. It’s just about ya’ll not feeling it, or the person wanting to do their own thing. You don’t know if you don’t try.

Dating note on this: don’t use this advice as an excuse to go hitting on every hottie in the place and then complain about no one liking you. Aim for genuine connection. If you are attracted to someone, by all means start up a conversation and/or ask them out, but don’t be that pervert running around chasing everyone.

5) Including couples

Here’s a thing about couples travelling. While some are there to spend special time alone, many are not. Especially if they live together… because they’re always together! They get sick of each other. So don’t assume that a couple has no interest in making friends when travelling. Asking to join a couple at breakfast, and instigating a low-key ‘plans for the day’ chat is a nice way to kick off.

6) Check the body language

Are they looking out to the room? Are they catching people’s eyes (or trying to)? Are they smiling outward? Is their body sitting open to the room?

Or are they hunched over their book or huddled up with their friend/lover?

Look for signs the person is open (or closed). Someone who is facing out to the room and is stealing glances over their phone, smiling out occasionally, pointing their toes toward you/other folks in the space might be open to a chat.

Someone who is totally engrossed in whatever (or whoever) they’re doing might be less keen for a chat, and you can save yourself the rejection. Although I will say again that getting ok with rejection is overall a good thing, and makes you braver to try again.

7) As a couple: do some things separately

We’ve established that no one really approaches couples, so how can you make new friends when travelling? One way is to do some things separately. When we moved to our current city, I started going to this fun weekly community event by myself. And I love it, because I don’t have to show up for my partner in a particular way. I can just let loose with other people who are into the same niche thing as me. The thing itself is an instant conversation-starter, but it’s then easy to move onto other topics. And then invite your new friend/s to dinner or tour with you and your partner the next day. If you’re struggling with a bit of healthy detachment from your partner, I can help you with some relationship coaching online.

8) Meet other couples

See some friendly folk? Or a couple who look like-minded? Same as the other advice in this blog post, don’t be afraid to say hi. Remember that if you don’t want to contain all your conversation to your partner, it’s likely there are other couples who are keen to make friends when travelling and share experiences too.

9) Going on a tour? Talk to one person

Make it your goal to have a meaningful conversation with one person. Yep, just one person (so choose wisely). Ok ok, you can talk to more people if you want. But the point is that you don’t have to talk to everyone. Small talk is exhausting, lots of peoples energy is exhausting.

So focus on having a deeper chat with just one or two people. This goes for most group situations actually. Networking events, parties, conferences. Spreading yourself too thinly makes you less memorable and reduces your chances to have a more authentic and meaningful conversation.

10) Meet the locals

Travellers can have some bizarre ideas on what ‘meeting the locals’ has to look like. I once met a backpacker in India who’d been travelling on the same train in 3rd class no AC in Rajasthan in 40+ degree heat. Not because he had to, but because he wanted to ‘meet the locals’.

I’m sure he had an interesting experience (aside from sweating to death), but so did I in 2nd class AC: I’m like: ’meet Rajesh and Suraj, a couple of guys we met sharing a carriage, we’re now going to their friends wedding’ (actually that’s two different Indian train stories condensed into one. Really! It’s that easy). Of course it’s fine to ‘meet the locals’ in any train carriage class, but don’t assume there’s only one kind of ‘local’ in any country. Be open to parking your assumptions at the door and embracing what actually is.

11) Get out of the main tourist areas

Coz locals in these areas get sick of making small-talk with foreigners, and other tourists tend to be weekenders or people on a short getaway. Neither is particularly open to making new friends. In fact, some good advice is spend the shortest amount of time in the most popular tourist destinations, and the longest amount of time in the lesser-known locations.

That doesn’t mean you have to spend weeks in a village where you don’t speak the language, but there are plenty of locations in every country that have a nice mix of locals/students/workers/expats/long-term travellers/digital nomads.

12) Join online FaceBook or Reddit groups

Are you digital nomad? Join generic DM groups and ask if anyone is in your area or where you’re heading to. Are you queer? Find LGBTIQ+ support or venue-based groups. Are you an expat? Join generic expat groups AND local expat groups for where you live. Are you looking for a rental? Join housing groups for that region. Are you a yoga fiend? Find a studio and engage with their page. Are you childfree? There are some great global communities out there like The Childfree Connection.

Ask questions. Introduce yourself. People might DM you, or you them. Then get out of the group and meet IRL sooner rather than later, see how you get on.

I’ve introduced myself (with a photo- eek) in a localised FB group and got invited to a WhatsApp group that was a wonderful source of connection and friendship. I’ve also joined spin-off groups and had other possibilities open up from that original group.

If it turns out to not be for you, then you can always leave the group. And again, it’s not about meeting and liking everyone. If you only make one good friend from a whole bunch of efforts in social media groups, isn’t that worth it?

13) Go to a bar or a cafe alone

Then prop yourself up at the main bar or the communal table and be open to chat while you skim the newspaper. Even if you only talk to staff. Most people who work in hospitality are good at chatting, so you might also get some tips on conversation-making if nothing else, plus hot tips on local places and events.

If you hang out long enough, and relax, someone will often approach you. I’ve met tonnes of people this way. Or you can beat the odds by chatting to someone you like the look of. If someone talks to you who you’re not keen on, you don’t owe them anything. You can just leave and go somewhere else, you can ask the staff for help if you feel uncomfortable, or you can say ‘ thanks for the chat but I’m enjoying my own company today’ (it’s ok if this isn’t true). You get to choose who you give your energy to, so make those good choices, even if you’re equally trying to meet people in these weird scenarios.

Once when I was in Amsterdam I went to a queer/lesbian cafe hoping to make some friends. There was no one there. For hours. But I met this lovely Thai bartender who showed me all the women’s rights and lesbian memorabilia on the walls and told me stories about those women, nonbinary and trans folk, as well as stories about himself. What it was like to be queer for him, there, at that time. Definitely not wasted experience, even though it wasn’t what i’d hoped for.

14) For the love of god, put your phone down

I get it. It’s your safety blanket (mine too!). It’s small and convenient and it’s calling you, now, to read this blog. But how can you see if anyone’s up for a chat if your eyes are trained on the scroll? And how can you approach someone when you’re distracted by the need to get a dopamine hit from likes on your latest Instagram post? Do you look approachable yourself, engrossed in TikTok?

Try just sitting there, for 15 mins, sipping a cuppa and letting your thoughts and eyes wander. Maybe flip through a paper, magazine or book. Just be present with exactly where you are, and open. Unless you’re looking for an online counsellor / life coach / online personal coach / relationship coach to help you with this stuff of course.

Make Friends When Travelling By

15) Date via the apps

If you’re single, go on a few online dates. Don’t do this disingenuously. If you are not open to a relationship, be honest about that. But do say you’re looking for friends. Or be honest if you just want a hook-up + tour guide, you might be surprised how many curious/bored folks are out there and keen (of course this is only if you’re in a country/city where that’s appropriate, and as safe as online dating can be).

You can even try Bumble BFF- you might not have the experience you hoped for, but you’ll learn something about yourself. And if you’re sick of the situationships, you might want some help from an online relationship and dating coach along the way.

16) Say yes!

So many people travel with such a strict itinerary they’re loathe to do something not on the agenda. Recently I witnessed an exchange between a European backpacker and an Indonesian friend of mine (whose country we were in). The European backpacker was going on and on about how he desperately wanted ‘authentic’ experiences and mentioned a village he was going to visit, near my friend’s home. My friend said ‘Oh yeah, great, but that place is super-touristy. Why don’t you come visit my village instead?’ I’m there nodding vigorously, backing him up. But I could see this European guy clinging onto his ‘picture’. His ‘plan’ for the ‘authentic village’. His reluctant response ‘oh… maybe’ wasn’t surprising.

Dude, let it go! Something way more interesting has just dropped in your lap. Not to mention a potential friendship with someone new and awesome.

When I was about 20, I drove 8 hours up the coast by myself to check out a university. i stayed in a backpackers because it was all I could afford. Someone invited me to a party in a gym. I don’t do gym, but I said yes. Ended up sleeping in a foam pit and forming a friendship with an American girl, who wanted to head up further north in a couple of days. I decided to drive us there, said yes. Then we loved it there so much I said yes to staying on another week, bugger work. We emailed for years after that. I guess there’s a reason I became a relationship coach!

17) Check your unconscious bias

Maybe that European guy was worried the situation was dodgy. But we were all on holidays, so that seems strange. Like why trust other backpackers you don’t know any more than trusting someone who’s from the country you’re visiting? Who is also, at this moment, on holidays just like you are, with a couple of Aussies?

Pay attention to that voice in your head that automatically writes someone off because they don’t look like you or share your kind of story/background/cultural value system. It’s ok that the voice is there, because you’re a human being and this kind of thing is tricky. It’s better to be honest about it with yourself if you want to change it. Basically, don’t let any kind of bias make decisions for you.

This is a crucial part of narrative therapy and my brand of online counselling and personal coaching btw, acknowledging inequality and how it impacts our ‘mental health’ and relationships. That’s one of the reasons I started offering online counselling when I opened my private practice in 2015. Because I felt like too many of us were locating problems solely in the mind when ongoing experiences of unconscious bias, racism, homophobia, sexism etc.. are so devastating.

18) Hone your instincts

So you do have to be genuinely open to meeting new people, BUT you do need to have well-honed instincts in order to make friends when travelling. Sometimes that does mean getting burned (sorry), so you know more about who to trust. Or it means connecting with a few ‘real ones’ to know what it’s supposed to feel like.

After initial nerves, you should feel at ease, be having fun, feel pretty comfortable. Maybe you even like yourself just a tiny bit more when you’re with a real one. A good egg. Ultimately you can’t always avoid scammers and dodgy people, so just do your best to be sensible, protect yourself, and your stuff.

But don’t go massively overboard in avoiding trouble, because you’ll miss out on some lovely humans along the way. If you need help with this, you know where to find my online relationship coaching info.

19) Language classes

The first time I went to Sziget festival in Budapest, we did a free one-hour Hungarian language class. No one else was in the class, but we learned a few things that helped us make friends with Hungarians over way-too-much-wine later on. Learning a bit of the language gives you that option: to show people you give a shit about their culture.

Bonus if there are other travellers in your class, you’ll feel more bonded to them by the experience. Making friends when travelling can be easier when you have a shared goal, learning the language is a good one.

20) Cooking classes

Ditto for this one. I can still hear the ring of ‘Pumpkin Baaalllllls’ being shouted by a teacher in Chiang Mai at one of the girls in the class as we all roared with laughter (with her, not at her). We fondly nicknamed that girl pumpkin balls when we all hung out together in the following weeks in Thailand, a ready-made group of mates from that one bonding experience. I actually can’t remember her real name… sorry Lovely Pumpkin Balls.

21) All the other classes

Music class, cultural dance lessons, Sanskrit, batik- making etc… go super-local. Or just do a thing that you like wherever you go, no matter where you are. My fellow location-independent online therapist Sonia Jaeger does pottery classes all around the world and loves it. I often go scuba diving, and I met two great friends by staying at awesome dive sites in the Cook Islands and The Perhentians for over a week. One of those friends has been to visit me in Australia and me to visit him in The Netherlands, and the other stayed on my couch in Bristol for a few weeks when we both lived there.

I also know folks who join D&D groups wherever they go, or play group sport or surf. There are ‘global’ communities everywhere.

22) Ask people what they’re reading

What are you reading? Such a great conversation-opener! If you’re nervous about how to talk to new people, there’s lots of fodder here. If you have literature in common, there’s that to converse about. If you don’t, they can tell you about what they’re reading or what sort of books they like. If they don’t read (or you don’t), then you could also ask what they’re watching or what music they’re listening to at the moment. If it’s not what you’re into that’s fine! Sometimes it’s even better.

Don’t be judgy, be intrigued. To this day I am dear friends with someone I met in Ireland who I didn’t like instantaneously because we argued about a movie the first time I met her. Go figure.

23) Start a board game or a card game

Go old school! Starting conversations make you nervous? Kick off a game of some kind to make friends when travelling. If you’re alone, put your phone down and start up a few rounds of Solitaire, see if anyone joins you. Or get brave and ask around the bar, cafe, hotel, homestay or hostel if someone wants to play. Make sure you know the rules to a few easy and commonly-played card games (most of the ones I’m thinking of have swear titles, so if you know those you’re off to a good start).

This is so you can confidently kick a game off with a few greener pals. Don’t be a jerk about the rules though, you’re there to have fun and make friends, remember?

24) Plant a tree

Volunteer! Do something for the environment or the country you’re in and get into a chat while you’re there. If it’s a cause you’re passionate about it’ll be easier to bond with a fellow environmentalist / humanitarian / animal-lover. I became close to an awesome Mexican gal whose wedding I was invited to – I can’t remember now why I couldn’t go, should have said yes!

25) Be curious but not judgemental

Don’t fire 30 of your best questions at someone like it’s an interrogation, but do ask one or two questions and then listen. Don’t listen waiting to be able to talk again, listen with genuine interest and curiosity. Ask more questions based on the answers the person gives you. Even questions such as ‘what was that like?’ Or ‘that sounds cool, tell me more about such-and-such’ are great. You can also try reflections like ‘that sounds hard’ or ‘that sounds beautiful’ to open things up. We all like to feel seen and appreciated, so think about when you feel most comfortable and connected with someone new, and then pay that forward.

Maybe it’s easier to understand this concept if you’ve had a good counsellor before? The counsellor is asking questions, they’re nosy, but they’re not judgy. Or at least I, as an online life coach, counsellor and online relationship coach myself, try not to be!

26) Be (a little) vulnerable

I understand you don’t want to blurt out your deepest darkests to someone you just met. It’s sensible to keep your cards a little close to your chest when you’re meeting bunches of strangers. But it’s good to get a bit real. Did you have a hard day because you missed your best friend? Was it your mum’s birthday? Did you see something shocking on recent travels and it made you feel bad? Don’t pretend you’re happy and fine all the time when you’re not.

I mean, it’s good not to be massive whinger either, but it’s ok to be sad. Equally, if you see someone whose looking a bit down and you’ve got the emotional capacity to support them, ask them if they’re ok. And hey, if you’re feeling elated, share that too!

Travel is an incredible invitation to feel all the things, be exposed to entirely new experiences, put yourself in others shoes, and even reckon with your privilege. No need to be fake and performative about it, but if you’re truly lost in a reverie after a sunset or the opera or meeting an idol, tell someone with your heart on your sleeve.

27) Follow niche local venues and performers on Instagram or TikTok

And then go to their events. In a lot of places these days, especially developing countries, it would be almost impossible to live without Instagram (or WhatsApp). Literately every business – from the big stage venue to the puppet show to the tukang/handyman to the veterinarian to your local cafe advertise on Insta and can be messaged via WA. Many don’t have another way to be contacted. So if you want to get amongst it, a bit of preparation won’t go astray.

Make social media work for you and stop the scroll. Find a niche interest in the place you’re heading to, and show up. Preferably more than once. You’re a punk fan? Find a band or venue and make sure you see them or go there as often as you can. You love drag? Go to the same gay club every night you’re in town. In fact, on that note…

28) Go to the same place every day

When I was Couchsurfing in Berlin for a couple of weeks, I was a tad lonely. My host was awesome but he was in F/T work and I was on my own for the most part. So I found this artsy cafe/bar I really liked the vibe of, and I went there every day. Literally every day, whether it was just for half an hour or a whole night. By the 3rd day I already felt a bit like part of the furniture. Some folks chatted to me, others merely smiled, but I was welcomed. People started saying things like ‘are you coming tomorrow night? There’s a metal/jam thing’ Or ‘Monday is classic noir movie night, will you still be here?’

When people see that you’re genuinely interested and not just sightseeing, they usually want to show you who they are and what they have to offer. After all, it’s hard not to feel a tad proud when someone wants to pick up what you’re putting down.

Side note: I loved Couchsurfing, which served me well in terms of making local friends again and again, from Istanbul to Munich to Galway. I wish it hadn’t become overshadowed by paid accommodation. If you’re looking to make friends when travelling and find free accommodation then I recommend trying it.

29) Talk to the parents of the kids your kids are playing with

Many parents don’t have time to see or make friends, but feel lonely, or they struggle dealing with problems on their own. Kids can be a great conversation-opener. They’re honing in on anyone and everyone, they’re splashing in the pool, they’re dancing or playing lego or getting into a serious convo about ‘all the ways our parents are so boring and embarrassing’.

Most people on a family holidays try and keep kids constantly busy and cram in the fullest itineraries. But think about what you remember most from family holidays as a kid. Wasn’t it the quieter times? The laughter? Your first beach crush? Your parents having all the time in the world for you? The other kids you got into mischief with (who you never saw again)?

So message to parents: chill out a bit and chat with folks in your hotel or guesthouse while the kids take care of themselves. Give yourself some space to actually meet someone new and get to know them. Who knows? Maybe you’ll be jumping on planes to visit one another for your next holiday.

30) Cook something for everyone in the communal kitchen

Most hostels and many guesthouses have a kitchen everyone can use. If you like cooking, make something tasty for everyone, and then whip it out and offer it around when the area is busy (often that’s breakfast time, sometimes dinner). And/or you can suggest planning a meal together. Invite whoever you meet when you first check-in to have dinner that evening, with each person contributing a different dish for every ‘course’. You only need 2 or 3 people to have a lovely meal and good conversation.

This idea came from someone who made her closest travelling friends this way, so I know it’s a good one. And let’s face it: hanging in the kitchen is a favourite, comfortable activity for almost everyone, no matter where you are in the world.

 

31) Ask for advice

Look, most of us love helping and/or giving advice. And when you arrive somewhere new, you usually need help and/or advice. So ask! Don’t be annoying about it, with 300 questions about how to get to such-and-such a monument which you can just google. But ‘How do I catch a local bus to Galle?’ is something anyone whose been in Hikkaduwa for longer than 3 days can tell you, and most would be happy to do so.

Btw the bus in Sri Lanka is insane but way more fun than being closed off in a car. In fact, maybe your new friend is keen to head that way again tomorrow and is happy for you to join them. Let conversations lead you somewhere rather than cutting off once you have an answer.

32) Give advice (if it’s asked for!)

Let’s face it. Unsolicited advice from traveling know-it-alls can be really annoying (and I’ve been guilty of it many times so let’s keep this brief). But being able to answer someones question is not. If you hear someone in need, or someone looks lost, a little bit of ‘can I help? I’ve been here before/for 2 weeks/since last night and I might be able to answer that’ is usually welcome. ‘I’m walking that way now, wanna join?’ Can be even better.

And if you don’t feel like shouting, wait until the person isn’t in a room full of more dominant characters (especially if you think they’re getting it wrong).

33) It’s not a numbers game

Capitalist language and ideals have permeated everything we do. We use phrases like ‘I invested so much in that person/interaction’ or ‘dating? it’s a numbers game’. These ways of thinking are a lil’ toxic. I live in a country now where interacting with others is considered a reward in and of itself. It’s the core of how folks live. People and connection come first, everything else comes second. That comes with it’s own issues, but if that’s not your culture, give it a moment to sink in. A totally different way of thinking.

People aren’t something to be ‘invested’ in expecting a ‘return’. Any interaction is valid and meaningful in it’s own way. Making friends when travelling isn’t some kind of ‘goal’ to be achieved. It’s about getting to know yourself and others in new, challenging and exciting ways. Let it be what it is, as it is. Be kind to yourself and them. Have fun.

** Bonus bite on making friends when travelling:

When you do meet someone you like, ask to follow them on Instagram or wherever they do social media (if they don’t do it, hats off to them). There’s nothing unusual these days about sliding into someone’s DM’s (and not just for sexy reasons). If you’re feeling nervous, start by letting them know what you liked about their latest post, reel or story. You can then ask where the next gig is, where they’re travelling to next, or if they want to grab a coffee. Build on the foundation you started, that’s how friendship grows.

TL;DR: there are two main ways to make friends when travelling and friendships that last.

1. Regularly interacting with the same people in a low-pressure environment (that’s why joining a class or a community is so good)
2.  Sharing vulnerability

Figure out your own way to make to do these while travelling and you’re set for a life of companionship and fun.

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What’s your experience of making friends when travelling? I would love you to add your ideas in the comments!

If you want more on making friends as an adult, read this.

Looking for an online life coach and narrative therapist who doesn’t do conventional? Then book an appointment or reach out to me and start a conversation. I’ve been helping folks improve their communication skills, increase their self-worth, and find love (for themselves and with others) for 20+ years. I’d like to help you too.

If you’re on a budget, you might want to check out my ebook Bolder.

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