2) Be upfront about being on the spectrum

These days most of us are aware that everyone has their different ways of living in the world. Many folks will simply be interested, and will then be able to ask what you need from them or from a date. Rather than trying to hide who you are or what you need, share it with pride.

And if they don’t ask what you need, you can then offer any information you feel they need to know about what does and doesn’t work for you. That is, what you need on a date. Maybe hold off on sharing about what you need in every area of your whole life for now.

If someone doesn’t want to be on a date with you because you’re autistic, well, they are small-minded and not someone you want in your life anyway.

3) Use your words

Use your words (like you probably already do). If you need to turn away from someone for a bit while they’re talking to take in what they’re saying properly, then tell them why you’re doing that. Otherwise they may think you’re not listening to them or not interested.

Sometimes autistic people are overwhelmed by other people’s emotions, and so avoid them. Try to notice if this is happening to you, and again, let the other person know.

If they’re telling you something personal or emotional, and you’re responding with a blank face or try to change the subject, they might feel embarrassed and maybe even ashamed. You can say ‘I really appreciate you telling me this story, I do care, I’m just feeling a lot of things while you’re talking so that’s why I’m not responding much’.

I think they’re finding each other cute, yeah?

4) Pick an appropriate date location

Arrange the first date in a public location that isn’t going to be overstimulating or too much pressure. A noisy, busy cafe isn’t going to suit someone who will be overwhelmed by all the sensory information flying at them, and an intense 1:1 dinner in a restaurant could also be challenging if you don’t enjoy eye contact or sitting still for a long time (especially in a new environment).

Going for a walk or a wheel in a nice garden is a good option, or a having a coffee overlooking an interesting view (that might give you something extra to talk about).

5) Be aware of how much you’re talking and how much you’re listening

When autistic folks are nervous or excited, there can be a tendency to get onto a topic and keep talking about it without much awareness of how the other person is responding. Of course it’s good to be chatty if that’s your thing, but don’t forget to pay attention to the other person, and ask open questions (without firing an interrogation at them).

To be fair, many neurotypical people ramble when they’re nervous too (*ahem, me), so this is good advice for us all. These are not just dating tips for autistic people.

Btw- try not to beat yourself up afterwards if you feel you ‘overshared’.

This is a common worry for many of my counselling and personal coaching clients, and apparently the entirety of Gen Z. As a chronic over-sharer myself, I know that the people who get you will get you. It’s a tricky balance: being yourself, being aware of how you’re being received, being honest but also having boundaries about how much you want someone new to know about you… PHEW. You’re not always going to nail it, and the right person will understand that and accept it.

The main thing to consider is protecting yourself, rather than how much you’ve ‘overshared’.

Are you talking about your precious things with someone who hasn’t earned the right to hear them yet? Thinking about it that way might help you decide what to share and what to keep private.

6) Try to go with the flow

It’s ok to become stressed if something doesn’t work out as planned. Maybe the other person is late or the venue you’re going to is closed unexpectedly. But in these kinds of situations there are always going to be elements you can’t control.

Try to plan for that in your mind before you head out. Devise your own strategy for coping with the unexpected. And the unexpected might be nice- after all, you both might decide to go on somewhere else after the first ‘planned’ part is over. You don’t want to automatically turn someone down because something expected came up.

7) Just be yourself!

It’s a cliche, but there’s no point in pretending you are someone else just to get someone to like you. The right person will appreciate your differences and want to know you as you are, as you will them.

We shouldn’t be trying to change one another.

You do you!

8) Don’t expect the other person to like all the same things as you

It is good to have things in common of course, but it’s just as important to be curious about the things that make you different. In my opinion as a personal coach, listening to someone talk about something you know nothing about is exciting.

Being introduced to a new idea (and maybe a new passion) is part of the rich tapestry of what we offer each other in relationships.

9) Consent is crucial

There are lots of great examples of consent in Love On The Spectrum, and I wish more people would take them on board. You do need to ask someone if you want to hold their hand, hug them, or kiss them. And you definitely need to ask if you want to do something sexual. Equally, you can say no if someone asks you to do one of those things, even if you don’t want to hurt their feelings.

I know it’s a bit awks, but it’s important. ‘Can I kiss you?’ can be one of the sexiest sentences in any language. Saying no to that or hearing no, however, can be hard, I get it. But we just have to manage those feelings and accept that the other person does not want to now.

Accept the rejection with grace and continue talking or walking or saying goodbye, no matter how much you’re burning inside. That might sound obvious, but it’s troubling how often people say in online counselling that they felt forced to let someone put their arm around them, or were blindsided by a snog. So I wouldn’t be doing my job in sharing these dating tips for autistic people (or any people) if I didn’t mention it.

10) Using words

The most obvious way that autistic people are better at dating, without a doubt, is that they use their words.

In neurotypical dating (and relationships), one of the biggest issues is assuming other people can ‘read’ us emotionally. The truth is that all of us struggle to ‘read’ other people, and we often get it wrong.

Autistic folks are much more likely to use their words, to comment on something, express how they’re feeling or to ask how someone else is feeling. There are no hidden agendas. Generally what you see is what you get, and it’s so much easier than all the guesswork and games neurotypical folks play. If someone thinks you’re weird because you actually say what you mean, then that’s their problem.

11) Logic

Folks on the spectrum have a tendency to use logic in emotional interactions rather than relying on nonsensical/misunderstood emotional queues, unconscious bias, or other judgemental ways neurotypical folks interact with each other.

Logic means behaviour makes more sense! This is often misread by neurotypicals as ‘having no feelings’ but in actual fact it’s so much better to be thoughtful rather than play games.

12) Kindness

Many autistic people have navigated their own confusion, been subjected to bullying, and managed other challenges, so they are often extremely understanding about other people’s struggles.

Autistic people can be very empathic and kind. Don’t mistake directness for unkindness if you’re dating someone on the spectrum.

Awkward date moments can end up being a funny story.

13) Open-mindedness and acceptance

Do autistic people have queer identities more than neurotypical people? I don’t know the statistics, but in my experience as a human being and a personal coach, understanding gender and sexuality as a spectrum makes sense. And autistic people are really into what makes sense.

If you are already on the fringes, and you are not as impacted by what society says is ‘normal’, then doesn’t it stand to reason you’re much more able to examine yourself and be who you truly are?

I don’t think autistic people are as confused by their sense of identity as neurotypicals are. You’re gay, your straight, you’re bisexual, you’re transgender, you’re non-binary, you’re queer… whatever. You just are who you are, as evolving as that may be, and that’s all there is to it. Other than the masking most autistic folks are forced to do in regular society of course.

When one is comfortable enough to live unmasked, there is little need to ‘perform’ a self for others or be afraid of ones sexuality or gender or other identities. That is something we could all learn to be better at.

14) Willingness to try again

While it can be incredibly hard for autistic people to try new things or change up routines, once you do it, you have the resilience to do it again and again. The only real way to ‘get better’ at dating is to practice. Experience what it’s like to meet new people in unfamiliar environments, try to make awkward conversation, feel the sting of rejection, work out how to let someone down honestly but gently.

As a personal coach who loves love, one of the most important things people I work with learn is to feel their feelings, then keep going and not give up after one or two shitty dates. To find the good in the experience (which is often what you learned about yourself). And autistic people are already pretty good at that.

I hope you’ve found these dating tips for autistic people useful.

We can all use a little help finding love, and putting our best selves out there when searching. Feel free to add your own tips in the comments below.

As an online counsellor specialising in neurodiverse counselling and personal/dating coaching, I understand that each individual’s neurodivergent experience is unique. Whether you are on the autism spectrum, have ADHD, dyslexia, or another neurodivergent condition, my approach is tailored to your specific needs and way of thinking.

I create a safe, non-judgmental space for you to express yourself freely and find strategies to navigate life’s challenges. Through patient listening, empathy, and creative problem-solving, we’ll work together to build on your strengths and find accommodations to help you thrive. If you or a loved one would benefit from neurodiverse counselling, I invite you to get in touch to schedule an initial consultation.

Or you might be interested in personal coaching or relationship coaching with me, Nicole Hind, please get in touch to ask any questions or book an appointment directly. 

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