Do I really know my partner better than they know themselves?

Many of us believe we know our partners better than they know themselves. And in some ways that is true. We can predict how someone we know well might behave in the familiar routines of life.

The mistake we make is assuming that by knowing their behaviour we automatically know what they’re thinking when they do or say certain things. But when it comes to our partners we often get it wrong.

This is partly because we simply stop talking. Properly.

We assume we understand their motivations, assume they understand ours.

But we don’t. They don’t.

The longer you’re with someone, the longer you gather intel on them: how they act in certain situations, how their actions affect you- and then heap meaning onto those experiences. The problem with that approach is that this ‘meaning’ doesn’t always align with your partner’s intentions. Or the changes they’ve gone through.

One of the most common struggles in online relationship coaching is the failure to truly listen to what your partner is actually saying. Without defensiveness, judgement, or ‘fixing’.

After one person talks, I might ask their partner ‘what did you just hear them saying?’ and the response can be quite different from what I heard. It can also be quite different from what the speaker hoped their partner would hear. Sometimes ‘what I heard’ emerges as something totally created in the listeners head. The listener is captured by history, and sometimes a reluctance to accept the words or hear them as intended by the speaker, even for a moment.

We are so caught up in the story of our partner we forget the story isn’t fixed in stone and it isn’t being written in our own head. A person is not a single storyline.

We are all multi-storied and continue to grow, change and re-author our stories through experiences. We influence one another on a daily basis. And it pays to be curious about your partner’s story.

What did they really mean when they said…?

Not curious in a ‘I’m going to pick your story to pieces because it doesn’t fit with the idea of who I think you are or who I am or my story of who we are together’ way.

But curious in a ‘I’m going to try and listen to you with an open mind and heart, I’m going to ask questions ONLY for the purpose of understanding you further, and I’m willing to be vulnerable with you too’.

What lies underneath the inability to hear someone else’s story are our old mates Insecurity and Fear. Those two can be dangerous bedfellows because they will tell us lies in order to ‘protect’ us. Throw in some anger, resentment, misunderstanding and pride and you have yourself a winning formula to close off listening.

(And if you ARE in a bad relationship situation, being able to hear and see how someone truly is, is just as important. Don’t be blinded by your own fantasy of who you wish they were/thought they were/want them to be).

Try and notice your own meaning-heaping in interactions with your partner.

Are you deciding something about them without listening?

Are you interrogating rather than being gently curious?

‘Do I really know my partner?’ doesn’t have to be a terrifying question.

Finding your way back to someone isn’t about living in nostalgia for when you first met. It’s recalling and reliving the curiosity you had about them, in the not-knowing, the purity of listening, at the beginning.

Invite the curiosity back. Listen.

You just might learn something fascinating from someone you thought you knew everything about.

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Thanks for reading ‘Do I Really Know My Partner Better Than They Know Themselves?’ Want more? Try these narrative therapy ideas for navigating problem territory in relationships. Or this one on how to stop the blame game.

Got any advice for Unveiled Stories readers? Please add in the comments below.

Looking for someone to (gently) kick your butt into action? I’m Nicole and i’ve been running my small online practice ‘Unveiled Stories‘ since 2015 and live in South East Asia with my partner. As well as online relationship coaching and online counselling, I offer personal coaching and also business coaching to folks in need of making their own big life changes. Don’t hesitate to get in touch, or just dive in and book an appointment directly.

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Photo by Justin Follis on Unsplash.