Does Marriage Change a Long-term Relationship?
A lot of us wonder if marriage will change our relationship. Some of us hope it will, others hope it won’t. Or more commonly, one person assumes marriage will change their relationship and the other assumes it won’t.
It’s not unusual for people to talk about this in relationship coaching or couples therapy.
‘I hoped such-and-such a problem would get better when we got married, but it never did’ and ‘they used to be this-kind-of-a-person and that’s why I married them, I can’t believe how much they’ve changed’ are phrases I’ve heard many times as a relationship coach.
A lot of the issues surrounding this conversation are to do with expectations and occasionally fantasies projected onto a post-marriage relationship.
But what if you’ve already been with someone for 10 or more years before you decide to get married? Why even get married at that stage, why do people do it?
Does marriage change a long-term relationship?
The answer to this is kinda complicated and deeply personal. Hence writing a whole blog post about it.
But here’s a crucial piece of advice from the perspective of a marriage counsellor.
Couples who have been together a really long time (and want to get married) might consider getting married as a stage in their relationship, rather than an ‘endgame’. A beautiful celebration as well as an opportunity for reflection and planning.
Because getting married does change a long-term relationship if you want it to. It’s an opportunity to re-evaluate why you want to be together, and what you want for the next part of your life as married people.
Making a commitment in front of even a small group of people can feel really powerful and overwhelming (in a good way). That feeling can solidify something on an emotional level. It’s hard to put into words, but hearing your partner say their vows can bring a sense of safety, connection and increase or renew strong feelings of love.
Getting married when you’re already in a long-term relationship can be a really wonderful stage in your relationship. A firm reminder that you are still choosing each other and will continue to do so.
But it is crucial not to expect getting married to fix any problems you already have.
Sadly, quite a lot of couples who get married after a long time together see it as ‘the last thing’ they have to do to be happy, rather than part of a continuing journey. When they realise the wedding didn’t change anything (or lost feelings did not magically reappear), it’s the nail in the coffin.
To avoid unrealistic expectations, start a conversation with your partner about why.
Why do you want to get married at this stage of your relationship?
Maybe it’s the simple answer: love. It’s wanting to have a ceremony to celebrate a love that has weathered storms and deepened, not faded, over time.
Maybe it’s because something specific has happened, like you’ve survived a significant loss, or got through a particularly difficult time. Sometimes you might even want to ‘gift the ceremony’ to a much-loved elderly or dying relative for whom it matters.
For a lot of LGBTIQ+ folks it’s been a long-awaited battle for recognition and respect. A fight for equal rights that deserves to be honoured, as well as that extra-special celebration of love.
It could be for legal reasons- you want to live somewhere that doesn’t recognise De facto relationships (I can relate).
There are folks who couldn’t afford to get married when they were younger, or other circumstances got in the way (like an unexpected baby). But now they have the time, money, and proof of a long-lasting love.
Don’t judge anyone else or yourself. All reasons for wanting or not-wanting to get married are valid and worthy of discussion when it comes to such an embedded part of our culture. It can be difficult to separate the societal expectations and norms from our selfhoods, so question yourself as much as your lover.
Unfortunately, there are also times when getting married in a long-term relationship is a last-ditch effort to save a relationship.
Spoiler: most of those ones don’t last too far beyond the wedding day. You’d be better to spend that wedding money on some counselling, coaching or another kind of couples process.
Don’t be afraid to honestly and genuinely explore your ‘why’. You’ve come this far together, don’t rush into something. You might even want to discuss it with the help of a relationship coach.
If the result is you decide not to get married, that’s wonderful! That’s great! It’s still a worthy conversation, because it’s a reminder of why you’re in this relationship in the first place, and that you’re not taking it for granted.
If another result is that you decide to end the relationship, then it’s better to bring that into the light isn’t it? Keeping it hidden for fear of hurting someone or from habit of not talking about things isn’t serving anyone.
Caution: don’t blow everything up just because one person wants to get married and the other doesn’t. This conversation is to discover things about this RELATIONSHIP and each other, not to enforce a legal commitment. If it’s a real sticking point, try couples therapy or online relationship coaching. Maybe a counsellor/coach can help you find a place of acceptance and a way forward with your differing perspectives.
But can you expect marriage to change anything?
Does marriage change a long-term relationship? If you’re getting married for love after a very long time together, you might find the only change is in how you feel. Often that’s more how you feel within yourself.
Many people say they feel more secure, more loved and therefore more loving. Some might feel more valued. And/or there’s a new deeper ‘layer’ to the relationship. As a relationship coach would advise, these feelings can in turn ‘settle’ folks internally, meaning they relax and enjoy the relationship more.
Some people don’t experience any change at all, and that’s fine too.
If you get married expecting significant change, then you’ll probably be disappointed. It’s just not realistic to think your partner will suddenly do the washing up more or want more sex or be kinder or return to the person they were when you were 21. Significant changes are rarely (if ever) made possible by a beautiful wedding day.
What if you want to get married, but don’t want things to change?
What are you scared of? Naming that could be really important.
Marriage after you’ve been together a long time can simply be a celebration of all you’ve come through together- the highs and the lows- and you that you still love and choose each other. But let’s not ignore that marriage is a huge emotional and legal commitment. It does mean something, for your past selves and your future selves.
Sit down together- just the two of you, or maybe with a therapist, relationship coach, a friend or even a pre-marriage counsellor- and decide what getting married means for you.
Write down your hopes and fears and do your best to share them openly. Use this opportunity to talk in a fresh way.
When we’ve been with someone for a long time, we stop saying a lot of things that are important to us, we don’t always listen properly, or we assume they know how we feel (or that they should).
Wipe that particular slate clean and be honest, as if you were talking like you did when you first fell in love.
Marriage is only 5% about the wedding, the rest is about your relationship and your life together. Allow yourselves to behave a little differently from any usual patterns, be brave and share from the heart. If you want to get married after so many years together, then make it count.
Choose what you want it to mean, don’t let it be dictated by fears or cliches.
Do you love this person and want to spend the rest of your life with them? Are you happy with the binding legal contract that a marriage is? Is this a healthy relationship?
Give yourself permission to be freaked out! It’s ok to have a lot of feelings, some exciting and some scary.
You might be struggling with values-based questions too.
From the perspective of a relationship coach, find someone other than your partner to share them with, or write them in a journal. Don’t push them down hoping they’ll go away, because you know thats how they get worse. Anxiety has a way of running off with us and blowing things out of proportion.
If you let your feelings breathe, everything usually becomes a lot clearer.
If it’s more a case of ‘cold feet’, remind yourself that you’ve already made the commitment. You’ve been doing this thang for years now! The marriage is just a celebration of that choice you’ve already been making and a plan to continue making.
Talk to friends or family members who are contentedly married. Ask them for some ‘real’ talk: what are the good and bad things about being married? What did or didn’t change for them?
A lot of what they say will be things you’ve already experienced as you’re in a long-term relationship. That might be reassuring in itself, but also you might hear something inspiring and helpful. Steer clear of people who use the phrase ‘the old ball n chain’ though, for obvious reasons.
Some people who got married later in their relationship speak of the ceremony itself being truly meaningful. Because you’re not in a rush and you’re not trying to ‘prove anything’ to anyone, you can really take your time and make it exactly what you want. Those special words may not have been said for a long time, and hearing them afresh can renew feelings of connection to start a new chapter. Marriage can change a long-term-relationship. But only if you let it (in all the best ways).
Want to get married but unsure how to make it meaningful?
Let’s co-author your next relationship chapter.
I hope you’ve found this post ‘does marriage change a long-term relationship?’ helpful. Feel free to add your own tips in the comments below.
If you’re interested in online relationship coaching that gets to the point, please get in touch to ask any questions or book an appointment directly. I offer 1:1 sessions as well. I am a professional counsellor and have been in the fields of coaching, therapy, and community work for 20+ years so you’re safe in my hands.
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Main image by Ben Rosett on Unsplash
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