Effective Couples Communication Exercises Using Narrative Therapy

Couples communication exercises are a dime-a-dozen. So let’s start off with something a little different: asking what it is we’re actually trying to fix. After all, good communication is the cornerstone of any strong relationship. Or is it? Narrative therapy is all about deconstructing socially accepted norms. So before we even kick this post off, I invite you to ask yourself a few questions:

‘What is communication?’ Is it being heard? Understood? Cared for? Connected?

Break it down.

What’s the most important thing to you about ‘good communication’?

Now ask your partner the same questions.

Are you similarly minded?

Ask yourselves WHY you want to be better at communicating. Ask yourselves if you’ve got the capacity right now to slow things down and truly listen. And ask yourselves if you can accept communication in all it’s forms (not just talking). If one of you communicates more with actions/behaviour, is that equal to talking? Society says no, but can you say yes?

In order for communication to improve, everyone has to be really and truly willing to give it time, attention and listen. And that can be really fun. You’re mavericks, kicking ‘the rules’ to the curb and open to finding out what actually works here.

Are you READY to change?

Both of you? Or more than both if you’re in a polyamorous relationship?

Before we’ve even got to the couples communication exercises, I want to give you that food for thought (I am an online relationship coach with a counselling background for 20+ years, so it’s kinda my bag). I want you to question everything, because that’s how you’ll find your genuine not-for-instagram powerful couple-strengths.

Let’s be real: I can throw some basics at you, but that’s not what you came for. You. KNOW basics. So I believe you can handle something a bit more complex.

Don’t freak out. The couples communication exercises themselves aren’t difficult to understand. If you put the effort in, you’ll be rewarded. For couples, fostering a healthy dialogue (however you do that- maybe it’s not all talk) can mean the difference between thriving or growing apart. It’s pretty important stuff.

So let’s move forward with these couples communication exercises inspired by narrative therapy. Narrative therapy is a therapeutic model that emphasises how stories shape our lives and interactions, making it particularly effective for couples who want to improve understanding, empathy, and connection.

In this blog post, we’ll explore three practical couples communication exercises grounded in narrative therapy principles. These exercises aim to help couples rewrite unhelpful narratives, improve listening, and create new, positive stories about their relationship.

What is Narrative Therapy?

Before diving into the exercises (and if you’re new to my blog, online counselling & online relationship coaching practice), it might help to understand the basics of narrative therapy.

While it’s a highly political mode of therapy and community work, it’s also highly practical. The ‘question everything’ ethos is a cornerstone of all of our work, in particular relating to power dynamics, which means we want to share any ideas that people can use at home. No therapist gatekeeping!

Developed by Michael White and David Epston in Australia in the 1980s, carried forward by many diverse folks since, narrative therapy helps individuals reframe their problems by seeing them as separate from their identity.

Instead of being defined by ‘problem stories’ like ‘I am anxious’ or ‘we can’t communicate’, narrative therapy encourages people to view these problems as external stories they’ve told themselves or adopted over time. They’ve usually been reinforced by experiences and/or words you’ve heard along the way (you didn’t do this to yourselves). They can be so loud they drown out experiences that don’t fit in with the problem story.

For couples, this approach is particularly beneficial because many relationship issues stem from the “stories” folks tell about themselves, their partner, or the relationship. These stories can be limiting, creating patterns of blame or defensiveness.

The goal of narrative therapy in couples communication is to rewrite these stories collaboratively, fostering a healthier and more loving relationship dynamic.

Exercise 1: Externalising the Problem

In many relationships, couples can fall into the trap of seeing the problem as a personal flaw in one or both partners. Narrative therapy encourages “externalizing” the issue, meaning that couples treat the problem as something separate from themselves. This shift in perspective can help reduce blame and defensiveness, making it easier to communicate constructively.

Step 1. Identify the Problem

Sit down with your partner and identify a recurring issue in your communication. This might be frequent arguments, difficulty expressing emotions, or feeling disconnected. Write it down as if it were a character or force influencing your relationship.

Step 2. Give the Problem a Name

Give this issue a name that represents its impact. For example, you might call it “The Misunderstanding” if your main issue is frequent miscommunication, or “The Distance Wall” if you’re feeling emotionally disconnected.

You might also come up with something personal to your relationship. A character or image from a movie or a book that personifies this problem for you both. It’s ok if it’s a little bit funny- lightening the mood, but it has to have guts. It has to mean something to the both of you.

Step 3. Explore the Effects

Together, discuss how this problem affects your relationship. Ask questions like, “When does The Misunderstanding show up?” or “How does The Distance Wall keep us apart?” or “What has THIS PROBLEM talked us into about our relationship? What has it got us believing?”

Shifting the blame to an external problem helps you both feel more like a team working against the issue, rather than against each other.

Step 4. Plan to Outsmart The Problem

Once the problem is externalised, brainstorm strategies to tackle it. What can each of you do to minimise its influence? Create a plan together to counteract its negative effects on your communication. Be as creative as you like. There are no wrong answers in brainstorming, so go for your life.

You can then whittle this down into a list that is more useful for your relationship.You might put things like: one of you is going to try stop and think before speaking; one of you is going to try stop making the mean crinkle face when they’re angry and use their words. Maybe it’s making a time for connection without phones. Maybe it’s choosing to accept cuddles as communication (if this cuddle had words, what would they be saying to me right now?). It could be naming The Problem ‘in the moment’ or calling a time-out for 30 minutes in the midst of an argument by saying ‘banana!’. But be very careful of how this plays out.

It’s easy to start patronising each other, making someone feel like they’re not ‘doing the work’. Or one person is happily calling out ‘The Misunderstanding is here!’ when it’s happening to them, but is unable or unwilling to do so when it’s their partner. Doing this step actually requires a lot of vulnerability and a lot of emotional capacity. You won’t always get it right, but keep trying. Real change takes time.

Exercise 2: Rewriting the Relationship Story

This is one my favourite couples communication exercises. Often, couples get stuck in a negative narrative about their relationship. Statements like “We always fight” or “You never listen to me” can become self-fulfilling prophecies.

In narrative therapy, couples are encouraged to identify these limiting stories and rewrite them in a way that highlights strengths and possibilities for growth.

Step 1. Identify Limiting Narratives

Both partners should think about the negative stories they have told themselves about the relationship. Are there recurring themes like “We’re too different” or “We’ve drifted apart”? Write down these narratives. I know you’ll feel protective of yourself and your partner here, so this is another one requiring safety and bravery.

Try and be honest- without being cruel- about these negative relationship stories. Spoiler: they’re not true, and we’re going to address them!

Step 2. Challenge the Narratives:

For each negative story, ask yourselves, “Is this the whole truth?” Challenge the absoluteness of statements like “always” and “never” by pointing to moments when the opposite was true.

I get it. Negative stories and beliefs are powerful. It may be hard to think of times when communication was good- especially recently (patterns and habits, hello!). But you gotta put the effort in if you want things to be different.

For instance, if one partner says, “You never understand me,” reflect on times when you thought they did feel understood. They may disagree with you, so then you can invite them with an open-ended question ‘ok, so are there any times when you did feel understood?’

It’s a bit like a round of improv theatre. When someone lays an idea out, the other person’s response is always ‘yes, and…’. You don’t block your improv partner. You’re both looking TOGETHER for the good moments. No one is trying to ‘win’. No one is watching to ‘prove’ you’re the better partner in front of (and if you see a therapist, they aren’t adjudicating- just do you know).

 

Step 3. Create a New Story Together

Rewrite the limiting narrative into a more balanced and hopeful one. Instead of “We always fight,” you might say, “We’ve had our struggles, but we’re committed to improving our communication.” This new story should reflect your shared goals and the strengths you’re uncovering as you explore the story of your relationship. You don’t have to write a literal story (although you can) but at least jot some notes down.

The devil is in the details. Try not to use generic terms (like I just did in the above paragraph). Make it specific to YOUR relationship story. Colour it in. Use descriptions. Narrative therapy isn’t about platitudes and quotes and fairytales, it’s about real life. Your real life is the most important thing on the planet to you and your family. It’s not a fantasy.

Use your own words to highlight your own skills, strengths and the commitment you’re making to have the kind of relationship you both want. Does folding the laundry speak love in this relationship? Put that in the story. Does someone feel most seen and heard when their partner says ‘that must have been so hard today, i’m sorry that happened’? Put that in the story.

No relationship is ‘all good’ or ‘all bad’. This process isn’t about erasing the hard stuff, the hurts. It’s about inclusivity- enriching and broadening a narrow, stuck story.

Step 4. Revisit and Revise

It’s tempting when you’re working through problems to dwell in the past. Visiting the past and remembering when you were all wrapped up in each other can be lovely and powerful. Useful in your couple story research.

But people can’t be held hostage in how they were 5-20-40 years ago. That’s like digging up celebrity tweets from when they were 21. Maybe they still believe in or would do the same thing now, but most people would not. The change. They grow. So do relationships.

Relationships are constantly evolving, and so should the stories you tell about them. Periodically revisit the new narrative and adjust it as needed, celebrating the progress you’ve made along the way.

You may be surprised what you learn about your partner ‘now’, if you’re open to it.

Exercise 3: Listening with Curiosity

In narrative therapy, active listening is crucial for understanding your partner’s story without judgment or defensiveness. One powerful couples communication exercise is learning to listen with curiosity, which means hearing your partner’s perspective as if you’re learning something new.

Step 1. Set the Scene:

Choose a time when you can both focus on each other without distractions. One partner will speak first while the other listens attentively. This is not the time for debate or problem-solving; the goal is simply to understand the other’s point of view.

Step 2. Ask Open-Ended Questions

The listener should ask open-ended, curious questions that encourage their partner to share more. Examples include, “Can you tell me more about why that upset you?” or “What did you need from me in that moment?”

Step 3. Reflect Back What You Hear

After your partner has shared, reflect back what you heard in your own words. This confirms that you understand their perspective and allows them to clarify if needed. For instance, you might say, “It sounds like you felt hurt when I didn’t respond to your text. Is that right?”

Step 4. Switch Roles

After the first partner feels fully heard, switch roles so both partners have the opportunity to share and listen.

The absolute hardest part of this exercise is, obviously, try not to defend or explain yourself. Try to give yourself a bit of distance. Imagine you are a therapist or a relationship coach (hi guys, i’m here if you need me). Listen and respond as though you are an objective observer. As though they’re not talking about you. How would you have this conversation with a good friend?

You don’t have to agree with everything your partner is saying. By listening with curiosity and checking that you have thoroughly understood, you’re signalling to each other that you care. That you really and truly want to know what their experience was like. What it is like to be them.

This may be the closest you ever get to another person. The best chance you ever have of understanding and truly knowing them. Bustling in with your own feelings and need to be heard before they’ve even finished (even if it’s because you want to stop them from hurting) is going to spoil that opportunity. Give it a serious shot.

Final Thoughts

Communication in some form or other, is generally the lifeblood of any relationship, and improving it takes consistent effort. By engaging in these couples communication exercises rooted in narrative therapy, you and your partner can learn to rewrite harmful stories, externalise problems, and listen with genuine curiosity.

These couples communication exercises will help you build a healthier, more understanding relationship where both partners feel heard and valued.

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Want another exercise? Try the ‘externalised other’ practice to resolve conflict I wrote about for Tiny Buddha. Or get some intel on how to conquer intimacy fears.

Got any advice for Unveiled Stories readers? Please add in the comments below.

Looking for something affordable you can do together to deepen understanding and connection? Unveiled Stories totally unique and comprehensive 10-week online course ‘From Bashful To Bold’ is available now, for the price of a book. It’s designed to help individuals learn to value themselves, bolster confidence, and strengthen a sense-of-self: but a couple doing it together would learn all sorts of wonderful things about each other.

Looking for someone to (gently) kick your butt into action? Couples communication is a tough one and gets in the way of so much joy and connection- some of the loveliest stuff that makes us really human.

I’ve been running this here small online business ‘Unveiled Stories‘ since 2015 and live in South East Asia with my partner. As well as online relationship coaching and online counselling, I offer personal coaching and also business coaching to folks in need of making their own big life changes. Don’t hesitate to get in touch if you’re curious or just dive in and book an appointment directly.

If you’re not ready for that, jump onto my list! You’ll be first to receive the latest blog updates as well as my monthly newsletter, which is awesome (if I do say so myself), chockfull of exclusive personal questions and reflections, Pop Prescriptions (books n stuff to cure what ails emotionally) and other yummy things. You will also get my FREE workbook ‘Re-authoring a Problem Story: Free Yourself in 7 steps’.

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Photo 1 by Quentin Guiot

Photo 2 by BR1 FDS

Photo 3 by Mikhail Nilov

Photo 4 by RDNE Stock project