How to do an Expat Christmas That Doesn’t Suck

This blog post on how to do an expat Christmas that doesn’t suck was originally featured on the Internations blog where I have been delighted to write as a guest blogger, and is being reposted here with permission. By the way—these tips are not just for Christmas! They’ll will come in handy for any perfectionists organising an event (I know you’re out there: I can TOTALLY relate to you. I can also help you if it’s all feeling too much).

As beautiful as it is, Christmas is stressful for everyone, and even more so for expats.

You have to decide if you can afford to go home this year, or if you even want to. If you have kids, you need to figure out what’s best for them. If you stay put in your adopted homeland, then you might have to celebrate without the usual rituals that are automatically understood back home.

Some years ago, when I was living in the UK, my then-partner and a friend and I decided to spend Christmas in Český Krumlov, one of the most picturesque places in the Czech Republic (dare I say, the world?). For us three Australians, the thought of spending our first “White Christmas” in a medieval winter wonderland was incredibly exciting. We had even been invited to share in their big Christmas dinner with all the other guests, staff, and a few other random locals!

Maybe we were a bit too excited, because we lost track of the days leading up to Christmas and accidentally got far too drunk the night of December 23rd. Unfortunately, we hadn’t realised that in a Czech town, the big dinner would be held on Christmas Eve rather than on Christmas Day. I spent a miserable day with my head over the toilet while our temporary family ate until they were stuffed full of Christmas goodness. Not quite the celebration I’d imagined.

The following year I shared in an “Orphans’ Christmas” in Ireland, in a lovely hired house in the countryside.

It wasn’t perfect—being from different countries and families, we all had different expectations—but we all put a lot of heart and soul into the holiday, and that made it fun and special.

These experiences, as well as many others over the years, have helped me realise that celebrating Christmas abroad is a skill rather than something that magically happens. Nothing is intuitive and there aren’t any familiar routines. If it’s an important time for you, you really do need to do some planning.

So no matter if you are spending your expat Christmas for the first or the 19th time, here are five tips to help you enjoy the day and keep your mental health on an even keel.

1) Accept and embrace that things will be different.

Plan something special, but allow it to be different from what you know. Welcome the difference instead of trying to make it all the same.

The advantage of having Christmas away from ‘home’ is that you get to reinvent some of the usual aspects (and totally erase the undesirable parts). That’s a huge win! Many families don’t even question the traditions they hold onto, despite the lack of practicality or inclusivity. An orphans expat Christmas gives you free reign to toss out what doesn’t work, and try new things.

Hold a brainstorming session with everyone involved. Let your imaginations run wild. Don’t shut something down just because it’s unfamiliar or doesn’t ‘seem Christmassy’ to you. Some of the ideas won’t be possible, of course, but I’m sure some gold will surface. Give yourself permission to let it be it’s own amazing thing.

2) Delegate jobs and involve the whole clan via cultural contributions.

Don’t try and take the whole day on yourself: shouldering the sole responsibility of making it the perfect Christmas is surely a ticket to disaster. Instead, invite everyone who will be celebrating with you to do some research on Christmas in your adopted home. Each person can then make a small cultural contribution in the form of local customs and traditions: food, a game, a story, a song, or a ritual.

If you have children, make sure to get them involved, too. Kids tend to be a lot more agreeable if they have genuine ownership and responsibility for what they take part in.

You can all talk about what each person is going to do — but try not to make it competitive. No one’s contribution is more meaningful than anyone else’s.

If you’re in a country that doesn’t celebrate Christmas, then just skip to the next idea:

3) Honour your own traditions.

Whether you and your guests are all from the same country, or from many different ones, each person can also contribute a tradition from their own home. “Home” might mean their family or the culture they come from, their country of origin, or a specific region.

Can you imagine how wide that range of diverse expat Christmas traditions will be even if you are all from the same place?

** Important: Don’t assume that everyone is super-into Christmas just because you are. If you’re with people who don’t celebrate Christmas (whether for personal or religious reasons), don’t force it on them. Sure, you can ask them to cook a dish, or help with the cleanup, but leave it at that. Invite them along for the ride and let them decide how much or how little they participate in the actual ‘Christmas’ part. And if they happen to be of a not-Christian faith and want to bring something of their beliefs along, make sure they feel welcome to do so.

4) Be organised, but not controlling.

For example:

• do arrange times to Skype/Zoom with your loved ones back home and wish them a merry Christmas
• do figure out which ‘cultural contributions’ everyone is going to make
• do have some fun getting that hilarious pose right for a great holiday picture
• do make sure that there will be enough food, drinks, gifts, holiday movies, games, or whatever else is important to you.

But do not lose your mind if something isn’t perfect or how you pictured it. Everyone is different and that’s what makes expat Christmas so brilliant. Plus, mistakes can turn into funny anecdotes, fond memories, or even traditions of their own.

5) Allow and express your real emotions.

If you suddenly feel like crying because you really miss your Grandma who passed away, or if you are homesick, then please do cry. Maybe even share your feelings—with someone in your family or a fellow “orphan”—because I guarantee you will not be the only one who has those moments of overwhelming sadness, even in the middle of a joyful day. Keeping your feelings pent up can actually lead to a disastrous time: for example, you may express that energy as anger instead of simply being sad.

Radical empathy means expressing true feelings and also holding space for others when they express their genuine emotions, rather than trying to fix them or give advice. There’s no greater gift than trusting someone with your vulnerabilities and having them trust you in return. Allowing yourself to shed some tears and telling someone what has made you sad—even to a child—can be a beautiful thing. In fact, if you can’t give anything else this expat Christmas, the gifts of trust and love and solidarity in action transcend most boundaries and can last a lifetime.

Some final advice: SLOW DOWN. This is the only time of year most of us get a break at the same time. Enjoy it. Take the time to reflect, do some self-care, genuinely appreciate your loved ones, laugh, and be kind to strangers this holiday season.

And don’t forget to reach out to a professional if things should get overwhelming: there’s never any shame in getting help!

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If you have a thing coming up, I hope you found these ideas on how to do an expat Christmas useful. Or if you’re feeling really crazy and need some help finding slowness, balance, acknowledgment and acceptance in your life, you know where to find me.

Love Nicole