16 self-loving dating strategies so you can actually find the love of your life and stop putting up with crap.
Finding love from a place of self-love is about meeting a person you REALLY want (and who truly deserves to be) in your life. But it’s easier said than done, as you’re more than aware. Me too as it turns out, someone who dated loads of people before finding a wonderful partner. That’s one of the reasons i’m a relationship, dating, life coach and counsellor these days.
‘Just be yourself’ says everyone, but in reality it’s far more complex than that. Which self on which day (and after all you’ve already been through)? Don’t you want to make a good impression? Not let it all hang out the first minute? Who even ARE you when you’ve just about given up hope?
Dating can mess with even the most charismatic and confident person.
It’s a boggy quagmire of gross behaviours, rejection, mixed signal, and dream dates suddenly turning into nightmares at the drop of an ‘ick’. As the self-esteem slides, so do expectations. Someone who is attractive, clean, and can carry on a half-decent conversation suddenly becomes the best person you’ve ever met. You’re ignoring the red flags and forget to look for green ones.
We’re in such a state that we’ve invented the word ‘situationship’ to basically describe being treated like crap. And sure, we all need a laugh when times are tough, but that laugh comes with a high price. It costs dignity, the experience of being truly loved, and a strong sense of self-worth.
It’s so easy to lose sight of who ‘yourself’ is, and lose perspective about what you want, when you’re IN the bog, barely surviving.
And god knows you don’t want to settle. But have all these situationships and taught us that we deserve less? To value intensity over the genuine ease and delight of being with someone who actually gets you? Who could potentially love and accept you and grow a genuine relationship alongside you?
That’s not good enough for you!
Here are 16 dating strategies for being ‘out there’ with a clear mindset and a strong sense-of-self so you can actually find the love of your life.
1) You are dating to find someone for YOU, not just to impress.
This isn’t a job interview or a house-hunting excursion: dating is an opportunity for two people to find out if they like each other enough to keep finding out. No one is in a position of power-over. You don’t need to spend the whole date putting 90% of your energy into impressing the other person.
Remember that you are ‘interviewing’ them as much as they are ‘interviewing’ you. You’re feeling for positive vibes and chemistry, but that’s not all. You want to see if you have shared values, if you’ll enjoy spending time together. If they laugh when you make a joke or snort your drink accidentally. Perhaps you’re looking for a gentleness or a kindness. What are they doing that shows you they’re someone who YOU want to be with?
2) Don’t be a slob but don’t spend hours and hours getting ready
Basically just be you. Perhaps not you on a Sunday morning with a killer hangover and bad breath, but you on a normal day or night. If you spent forever getting ready, it just adds to the disappointment if it’s not a great date.
Alternatively, put your all into it but make a plan for ‘after’. If a date goes badly it’s natural to seek validation (often in the form of sliding back into that aforementioned situationship). Instead, plan to meet a friend afterward and go somewhere classy. Don’t get drunk, just enjoy being fabulous while debriefing.
3) Have high expectations and don’t adjust them
Look: it’s wonderful to be open-minded, but it’s quite a bit less wonderful to adjust everything (or something significant) you’re looking for just because you feel attracted to someone or you’ve got a case of the lonelies.
If you’ve got a list 3 pages long then you’re probably being unrealistic. Or maybe you’re into manifesting, and that’s ok if you’re not too prescriptive in reality (because trust me. You will think that you’ve manifested this perfect person when it seems like someone ticks all the boxes. So when the red flags fly you’ll ignore them because they don’t ‘fit’. Because of the story you made about how they came into your life. 10 years later you’re deeply unhappy all because of a powerful but false narrative).
But if you’ve got some basics around what you want from your life and a partner and what is important to you, then that matters! It also matters how you FEEL when you’re around that person. About being with them, but most importantly about yourself. Those things really shouldn’t be adjusted. Coz you’re worth so much more than a second-rate mate.
4) Figure out what you want from a date (and this person)
Sound too strategic for a first date? It’s not. Sure, don’t heap loads of fantasies onto a human you’ve only just met. But if you’re only looking for sex or something casual, then you need to be honest about that. If you’re polyamorous, that needs to come out early. If you’re looking for someone you can have children with (eventually) be honest about THAT. And if marriage is important to you—when you meet the right person you’d like to get married—it’s ok to say that.
Someone who freaks out when their date even says the word ‘marriage’ is not the right match for you if all you did was say that’s something you want one day.
Or if you want children and you’re 35 then you really don’t have energy or time to waste on immature folks who can’t even handle the conversation, let alone the reality.
If you don’t want children then equally you might not want to get involved with someone who does or already has them. Not if what you’re looking for is a serious, long-term relationship and life to share.
And when it comes to non-monogamy, while it may take a little time for your date to reflect and think on what they want, don’t take too long. That’s gonna end in tears in a years’ time when you’re still waiting for the door to open and this monogamous person (who’s now committed to you) wants it firmly closed.
Are you the kind of person who hopes for love to conquer all? Or doesn’t really listen to what they don’t want to hear? Well, this is for you. It’s a whole lot easier and kinder to yourself (and the other person) to move on now. Don’t lie to yourself that the other person will ‘change’. Don’t wait 5 years when you’re in something that doesn’t fulfil either of your needs. As a relationship coach, trust me on that one.
5) When someone SHOWS you who they are, listen
A lot of people are amazing at telling you who they are. Some people are amazing at figuring out what you want to hear and then telling you a story about who they are that fits with your personality (this is the ultimate love-bombing BTW. Much more specific than a dozen roses and the too-early ‘I love you’). Some people are so amazing at telling you who they are (or you’re so attracted to them) that when they SHOW you who they are, you ignore it. This is a big mistake a lot of us make.
Actions speak far louder than words.
Pay attention to how your dates talk to and about other people. Are they friendly? Kind? Respectful? What’s the REAL story behind the ending of their last relationship? Are they humble? Do they laugh, genuinely, from the belly? Do they ask you questions and seem genuinely interested in the answers?
There’s only so much you can glean about someone on a first date, but don’t let narratives take over the reality when you see more.
6) Figure out your own values and then look for a match based on those instead of just shared interests
Sure, you want to be able to enjoy spending time with your partner, but contrary to popular opinion, your partner doesn’t need to be your best friend or your main ‘doing stuff’ buddy. It’s far more important that you have similar core values. Interests can change, but values at their very core generally hold.
What is most important to you? What do you believe in? Is there anything contradictory in what they say they believe in VS how they behave and live? How will you know and feel if someone shares your values (without asking super stiff questions)?
Spend some time with YOURSELF to drill down into the deeper stuff and then look for those kinds of connections. Shared values will make for rich conversation and bring you back together when times are tough: not the fact that you both like AFL or RuPaul’s Drag Race.
7) Think about your lifestyle
Where do you want to live? What are your dreams? What do you believe life is all about? And money, money, money. Aside from infidelity, one of the core issues that bring couples to counselling is around money. Who is spending it, who is not, what you believe it should be spent on.
Who does what around the house is another issue.
You are going to struggle (and potentially build up a lot of resentment in a long-term relationship) with someone who has wildly different ideas from you on what the meaning of life is. Being with someone different and complementary to you is a good thing of course. They help you grow and get out of your comfort zone. But when you don’t have anything in common domestically, huge problems can arise.
As Dan Savage says: “What is the price of admission you’re willing to pay to be with this person?” Reflect on that before you’re too deeply involved. What are the flaws and differences you can live with, and what’s never gonna gel?
Ps: If you’re moving in with someone and can afford it, get a cleaner. That’s me, your life/relationship coach from the future, who knows what a lot of the fights are gonna be about.
8) Treat EVERYONE with respect
I’m talking to YOU the person who thinks someone you fuck VS someone you marry are deserving of different levels of respect. They are not. Someone you don’t even like on a date is deserving of common decency. While you may be investing less emotional energy in someone who you don’t see as being ‘bae’ there’s no need to be rude, to lie, to treat them like garbage.
You definitely don’t need to hang out for hours with someone who doesn’t float your boat. Nor do you need to explain yourself to them. But honesty doesn’t equal cruelty or slackness.
Simply say ‘I had a nice time with you and you seem like a lovely person, but I don’t see this going anywhere romantically. Thanks so much for hanging out with me though! Good luck’. You can also text this. So incredibly easy to be decent, and in my view one of the best dating strategies for good love karma.
(FYI: Kindness doesn’t mean having lengthy conversations with folks you’ve been on 2 dates with about why you don’t want to see them anymore. Ghosting is flat-out shit, but it’s definitely fine to send a very brief and decently worded text or email if it’s early on. Personally I think most of us would prefer that to an in-person rejection).
9) A special note to the fish guys and the pout mouth gals
To all ya’ll with dating profile profile pics of yourselves holding giant fish or doing the pouty mouth: stop. Seriously, have a good think about who you want to partner with rather than ‘a person who likes [insert thing I like doing] and/or a person who thinks I’m sexy’.
Reflect a little deeper about what your core values are. Consider what you want in a loving partner, and how you’d like them to see you. Someone who truly accepts you as you are.
Think about what you’re doing or how you’re looking when you’re most relaxed, contented, and connected.
Then change your profile pic/s IMMEDIATELY to:
- Just you (do not put your kids or a groups of mates on a dating app)
- Not blurry or with an ex (and definitely not with them cut out, we can tell!)
- Looking reasonably nice, enjoying yourself, not doing anything in particular
- Not a selfie, not in the toilet, not in the nude/semi-nude
- Don’t show off, but if your favourite photo of yourself is enjoying one of your hobbies or travelling or something, then just one of those is enough
- You can do something playful or a bit gimmicky if it shows your personality (here’s a pic of a water slide I made in the park for a bunch of grown-ups to have fun on ) but include at least one of just normal you
There is no excuse in 2018 not to have a picture of yourself like that. If you don’t have any, ask someone to take some for you or set up the tripod.
UPDATE 2026: As you can see, I wrote this original blog post some years ago. But I hear this is still an issue. I don’t get it?! Someone please explain!
10) Have fun
11) Don’t interpret ‘fun’ as just the other person having fun
Fun is a two-way street. But sometimes we’re so fantastic at helping other people relax that we forget to actually notice if WE are having fun. We all have roles we tend to play in life, and if yours is making people feel good, then I’d encourage you to bite that back a little and see what happens when you don’t leap into ‘make them feel good’ mode.
Live with an awkward silence. Notice if you’re being asked questions, listened to, or engaged in conversation on a similar level to what you’re putting in. Spout an opinion or two. Not going well? Then it maybe this one isn’t for you.
FYI: ‘Fun’ for those who have forgotten (because you’ve been in the dating bog for way too long) is having a bit of a laugh and feeling at ease.
12) Yep. It should be easy
Where does this idea come from that relationships should be ‘hard’ and that we need to ‘work’ on them all the time? Are your friendships like that? My guess is that the good ones are not. Sure, they have ups and downs. There are fights. There’s phases of distance and closeness. There are misunderstandings. But ultimately, you simply like each others company. You can rely on each other.
The best relationships are fairly easy. Everyone in a happy, contented long-term relationship will tell you that. They need to be to stand the test of time. If it’s hard when nothing hard is going on, then how is that going to play out?
Sure, there are times when things that are ‘supposed’ to be fun are not. Like moving in together, which can be frustrating and annoying and stressful. But if you really think about it, moving into a house with a partner has some major gravitas and it makes sense that it’s complicated. But if you’re on date 4 and it’s like pulling teeth, or you’re fighting, or the person is trying to control you? Nuh. Uh! Not good enough for you.
13) Stop performing a version of you
Do you have a ‘character’ or a ‘curation’ that you think is more meaningful or more interesting or ‘better’ than you? If YOU loves collecting vintage fabric but can’t sew, devours weird podcasts (and foods) by the bucketload, laughs loudly at cat videos, is obsessed with at least one reality TV show, and has an interest in social justice but isn’t especially an active member of the community, then that’s YOU.
And my bet is that YOU are pretty unique and special with all your faults and quirks. We humans tend to fall in love with those real people, not the pretend ones.
14) When you are rejected, try to refrain from piling a heap of meaning onto it.
This is all about your Inner Critic going wild with the ‘it’s because I was shit in XYZ ways. It’s because I did THIS wrong or that. It’s because I was fat/stupid/crazy/bad in bed/clumsy/boring etc etc etc’.
We can all benefit from a little healthy self-reflection and insight, but beating yourself up is more likely to have you hating yourself. Hating yourself isn’t going to help you look at yourself in loving-kindness if there is something you would like to change, and it sure as hell isn’t going to help if it’s something you can’t or don’t want to change.
And honey: you’re having this conversation in your own head!! I’m gobsmacked by the amount of women who believe they were rejected after a date because they were ugly in some way. YOU are fabulous. If someone rejects you, well, they’re just not that into you, and that’s their loss. That is all you need to know. Everyone has been done a massive favour by letting this go. Now you can move on all the more quickly and find someone who is as into you as you are them. Thank god!!
Ps: This works in reverse too. If you hate rejecting people, just remember: The sooner you let go of someone you just know is not right for you, the sooner they can move onto someone who they ARE right for (even if it stings in the moment).
15) If someone tells you on the first date that their ex was crazy: RUN FOR THE HILLS.
Seriously. Even if their ex was *ahem crazy, why are they telling you about it when you’ve just met? What is their motivation? When you’re younger or vulnerable, you tend to take that as a compliment (“they mean I’m not crazy- not like the ex! I’m the cool girl”).
Here’s a question back for that person: ‘what did you do to make them crazy?’ Coz I don’t actually know that many ‘crazy’ people and I’m a counsellor and relationship/life coach. When you’re banging on about your mad ex, I reckon if we get together then I’m next on the shitlist. I’m not up for that. NEXT.
16) It doesn’t matter if you sleep with them on the first date
With a right person it makes absolutely no difference. And let’s face it: sex is very important. If you’re completely incompatible it’s good to find that out earlier in the piece.
Disclaimer: If having sex with people when you first meet them is not coming from a place of self-love, then it’s worth changing it up, waiting, and seeing how that feels. Some people get loads of chemical feels when they have sex, which clouds their judgement. Wait until the 3rd or 5th date if you need to, if that feels less murky to you. This is about finding love from a place of self-love after all, and not pushing yourself to be someone who isn’t you. Equally if you’re holding back because of ‘the rules’ then throw that book away and go with your heart n body. Have fun and protect yourself!
Obviously dating is really just being available to meet someone who might be a right partner for you.
But it’s messier than that in reality. Being OUT there pushes all our buttons and has us doing all sorts of things we can be surprised about.
To be lovely to yourself in the midst of all that is just plain hard!
But it takes a HUGE amount of your very precious energy to adjust yourself, to change your expectations, to try and figure out how other people are feeling or thinking, to pretend to be a version of yourself, to only go out with people who won’t reject you because you don’t want to risk rejection or avoid dating entirely because it hurts too much to reject others.
Finding love from a place of self-love is tough sometimes.
It can hurt more and it can make you feel more vulnerable. But it makes more sense to date from there than to date from any other place doesn’t it? To be able to have fun and notice when the REAL thing is heading your way is, after all, a priceless and exceptional gift.
Did you enjoy this post? Then I reckon you’ll like my ebook ‘Bolder’. Informed by narrative therapy it’s not your usual self-help stuff. It’s all about cultivating confidence that isn’t fake. Building self-worth that goes deep and lasts.
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ONE MORE THING: Please do share your own strategies for loving yourself while finding the love of your life in the comment below.
Main photo by picjumbo.com from Pexels; 2nd image Photo by Oleksandr Pidvalnyi from Pexels; 3rd image by CalinPikeFishingPro from Pixabay; 4th image by rawpixel from Pexels; final image by Quintin Gellar from Pexels. Gifs from Giphy.com.
Great post Nicole! Love No.8 and need to work on No.11 🙂 !!!