How to Find a Counsellor Part 1: Avoiding a bad therapeutic experience

Lights. Camera. Action…

A generic sad person, usually under duress, is sitting in a waiting room [insert ‘soulless and stark’ or ‘overdone floral’ before the words ‘waiting room’].

Dr so-and-so Therapist opens the door to welcome the person into the room [insert ‘middle-aged man with glasses and monotone voice’ or ‘hippie woman with a fake cheery smile’].

The person either lies down on a couch or sits in a chair. The Therapist begins with either silence, or a general question and then sits looking either bored, or intensely at the person. Over the session, the person blurts out problems, often defensively or humorously. The Therapist does some note-taking and nodding. They then offer one of the following

• A magical analysis demonstrating a Yoda-like level of wisdom and insight into the human psyche
• Some kind of ludicrous suggestion that seems incredibly unlikely to help anyone, and usually doesn’t
• A deep and meaningful assessment causing the person to cry and have an ‘aha!’ moment, all issues then miraculously resolved
• A silly nonsense response, implying that therapists are useless/self-involved/pointless/wrong
• A revealing of their own issues and personal brand of crazy

The person leaves, comic moment achieved or meaningfulness of their lives demonstrated. Goes back to their ‘real’ life without having been helped or experiencing any desired changes, sometimes even worse off.

Camera fades out…

Even in movies and TV shows where there is a somewhat more realistic and in-depth approach to counselling, there is always the sniff of some kind of inappropriateness such as ‘therapist goes to any length to rescue a vulnerable child’ or ‘therapist has a messy personal life and becomes attracted to their client, affair ensues’. Don’t let this put you off watching great dramas like ‘In Treatment‘ or ‘The Sopranos’, but it is tiresome for us.

None of this has much to do with reality.

Television VS a real-life Counsellor

Given the usual depictions and accompanying stigma, it makes sense to me that people generally don’t seek help until they are really badly suffering.

When we are suffering we don’t always have the energy to look for the ‘right’ therapist, we just desperately want someone to fix it. It’s so extraordinarily scary. We only want the pain to end and to feel ‘normal’.

Here’s the truth: Counselling isn’t supposed to (always) be excruciating or painful, and certainly not useless. It can be extremely challenging at times, and it can be a letdown if you don’t have a good ‘you-focused’ counsellor, but it can also be:

• Exciting
• Funny
• A revelation
• Door-opening (new career, real love, big moves)
• Educational
• Fulfilling
• Soul-shaking
• A wild, woolly and wonderful journey of discovery that can influence all aspects of your life and make positive, permanent change a reality.

The most common pathway to find a counsellor in Australia is to go to your doctor for a mental health plan that will subsidise the cost of some sessions with a registered psychologist and get a referral. Part 2 of this blog post details that process (including concerns), so here I will outline an alternative process that is designed to help you find someone who can really help you.

How to Find a Counsellor in Australia (an independent process for seeking a therapist)

1) Firstly, if you’re IN the moment now, then just survive in the ways you usually do and wait until you have a window of relief. Feelings usually aren’t constant. They come in waves. If you are not currently riding a wave of feeling the absolute worst, and you are not currently in crisis, then you might consider this next step:

2) Try to make a commitment to healing through counselling. Not ‘if I find one I might…’ but ‘WHEN I find a right one, someone who gives me hope even if I’m unsure, I will go on this journey…’.

3) Forget all the diagnostic terms like ‘ADHD’ ‘anxiety’ ‘depression’ ‘trauma’. Think about what is happening TO YOU. Are you struggling to get your life together, get organised? Did you lose someone or something dear? Have you had an illness onset? Is your relationship in trouble? Are you crying uncontrollably and unexpectedly? Do you feel lost? Afraid for no reason? Have you been abused? Have you experienced discrimination and it’s made you question your value, your worth in society? Do you feel like your identity is blurry or in a fog? Are you stuck in a career rut?

What does it feel like to you, in your body, mind and heart?

Now ask yourself this and perhaps write down the answers: How do I already get through every day dealing with this problem? What works for me and what doesn’t work so well? What would I like to stay the same and what would you like to be different?

4) Believe there is value in your ways of coping, look over what you’ve written, and then ask yourself: ‘how best can a Counsellor help me heal, grow or expand my life?’ These answers might give you a clearer idea of who to look for. For example, do you keep a diary or find writing helps you? Then perhaps someone who incorporates email/letters/journaling into their work can help. Does Mindfulness appeal to you? You might seek a professional who can teach you about being more ‘in the moment’. Do you connect or process in more abstract ways? Then maybe an art therapist, sand tray therapist, or someone with a creative bent can help you best.

A lot of counsellors incorporate different skills and training into their work to respond best to the people in front of them (that’s what I do), so don’t feel locked into these descriptions, it’s just a starting point.

5) Once you have a clearer sense of your own experience:

• Ask some friends or family or someone who works in mental health for a recommendation to a therapist. Seriously, it’s ok. Ask around, don’t be ashamed. A lot of people find when they start telling a few trusted people about their troubles, the most overwhelming response is of support and solidarity, and you may also have the added benefit of finding you are not alone in whatever it is you are going through. We are so used to pretending everything is fine all the time it can be a huge relief when a brave person tells us when they aren’t fine- vulnerability can be a wonderful thing to share with those we love and who love us.

• Follow up a referral from a GP or recommendation from a friend by checking out their website. Did the doctor tell you a ‘course’ of CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) would help you? Do some research. Ask the professional themselves, or someone who works in mental health what CBT actually is, and then decide for yourself. For more on the difference between a Psychologist and a Counsellor check out Part 2 of this blog post.

• Unfortunately, no one has a secret magical ‘cure’ for these kinds of problems. You know yourself and your situation best. You have a right to know something about how the counsellor or psychologist works before you share your personal story with them. Take the time to see if they are likely to suit you before you leap in. You wouldn’t buy a car, go on an overseas holiday, or even binge-watch a TV show without doing plenty of your own research, so why would you treat your brain and heart with any less care?

• You could try ringing a mental health hotline and ask if they have recommendations, or to help you figure out who and what intervention might fit for you.

• Look for therapists on directories where you can find some basic info about what they do, and then go check out their websites. Don’t be afraid to contact them directly if you want to know more. We’re usually prompt and happy to discuss and make sure we’re a good fit.

• Distance from home can be a big factor in whether you continue with in-person counselling. Jump on Google Maps and then research suitable counsellors within an acceptable radius of your home or work. 

• Cost will also be a big factor. Consider your budget. There is enormous variation in the fees of mental health professionals so it pays to look around. High fees aren’t necessarily an indicator of best (more on this in the next blog post). Bear in mind that subsidised fees for a pricey professional won’t help if you need/want to see them beyond the 10 allocated sessions for a mental health plan in Australia.

• Perhaps online counselling is a better option if you are an expat or digital nomad, have no travel time, like to be comfy at home when talking about the Big Stuff, desire out-of-hours support, if you’re disabled and can’t travel (or poor building access prevents you from being able to see who you want), if you have trouble talking to someone’s face (phone counselling is still a thing), can’t talk/prefer writing. It’s worth considering what is most sustainable for you, and how you best experience, process, learn and build relationships.

So… my number #1 tip for finding a counsellor in Australia (or anywhere in the world) is:

Trust your gut. I know I know, it’s overstated. But in this case, it’s crucial.

Your relationship with your therapist is the key factor in whether or not you will experience meaningful change in therapy. 

There is no ‘correct treatment’ for therapy. Counselling is a deeply personal experience. It isn’t a medical intervention. You need to like, respect, and trust the person you are sharing with for successful outcomes, the research backs that up.

It’s important to believe, or at least have a strong sense of hope, that this person can help you. That they aren’t judging you, and that if they challenge you they will do so in ways that are safe and meaningful.

You need to want to commit to the process.

It also needs to feel OK to speak up when something does offend you or isn’t working for you. You want to feel that your own expertise is being respected. This goes for anything else you may bring into the room- skills, lists, drawings, photos, diary entries, art, stories. What’s right for you won’t be right for everyone.

None of this has anything to do with the medical profession.

It has to do with the Profession of You.

Honour that.

My own little counselling story…

The first time I sought a counsellor, it didn’t take me long to realise it was going to be harder than i’d thought.

NB: All mental health workers should have the experience of being a client (and in many counselling training programs it’s compulsory to have your own therapist). It’s vital that we professionals know what it feels like to be on ‘both sides’, and practice what we preach in terms of seeking help when life gets a bit much, professionally or personally. 

Regardless of my positive beliefs on the benefits of counselling, it doesn’t mean I wasn’t nervous and—yes—even a little ashamed, such is the pressure from our society. I’d like to acknowledge that it is really hard for you too, and congratulate you on taking the step in the first place.

Initially I had a couple of sessions with someone who was very nice, but I just didn’t gel with, so decided not to continue.

I had to find the right fit for me.

Then I asked a few friends. I ended up getting a recommendation from someone whom I share some similarities with and a strong connection. Then I looked up the therapists website. I liked what I saw, so I emailed with some questions, and appreciated her responses, so I booked in.

Then came my first session. I was invited to talk about what had brought me there, and I felt really heard in that, calming the nerves. She also told me some more about her own style. Afterwards I checked in with my gut as well as my brain, and I decided to continue from there. I felt hopeful and even a little excited, which kept me going, even when I didn’t feel like it or a session was really tough.

The experience of working with her was both professionally and personally nothing short of life-changing. Yep, actually life-changing.

I believe the same can happen for you and your loved ones.

* If you want to know more about the Australian mental health plan system, read onto to part 2 of this blog post here.

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I hope this has helped give you a better idea of how to find the right counsellor for your needs. If you would like to receive future blog posts, please sign up here.

Are you an individual or couple curious about working with me? Have a look at my online counselling service and see what you think. If you would like to ask questions or book an appointment, please get in touch with me directly, I’m happy to answer questions.

If counselling isn’t an option right now, and you’re looking to do something active to understand yourself better and increase self-worth, you might like to buy my ebook Bolder: A Real-World Guide for People Who Are Tired of Faking Confidence. It’s only $11.99 AUD and chockfull of helpful stuff.

http://eepurl.com/bPDH1T [link to the original published post]

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