Maintaining Your Identity in a Relationship: How to Stay True to Yourself

Are you losing your identity in a relationship?

Do you feel like you’ve become the sidekick in your own life? Like you’ve lost the main character energy that once made you, well, you? Desperate to maintain your individuality in a relationship but already feeling totally messed up and confused?

Losing your identity in a relationship can sneak up on you, and before you know it, you’re doing everything in tandem and nothing for yourself. It’s tricky, because you probably started out being really open to new things that your partner likes doing, and now you find it hard to say no. And they don’t understand why you’re saying no, so it leads to discomfort, hurt feelings or arguing you’d rather avoid. So you don’t (say no). And the pattern continues.

But don’t worry, because regaining your sense of self is not only possible, it’s also a fun, liberating adventure.

We’re diving deep into the why and how of finding you again.

The Sneaky Ways Identity Disappears

It often starts innocently. You love spending time with your partner, and compromises are part of any healthy relationship. But suddenly, you realise your hobbies, friends, and interests have taken a backseat. The “we” has overshadowed the “me” and next thing you know, you’re losing your identity in a relationship. This happens for several reasons:

1. Desire to Please

We all want to make our partners happy. It’s natural to adjust and compromise. But when this becomes habitual self-sacrifice, it can be a red flag. It’s especially troublesome if you’re the only one expected to show up for all the ‘them’ things but they’re not showing up for the ‘you’ things.

2. Fear of Conflict

Sometimes, avoiding disagreements feels easier than standing your ground. But consistently caving in can erode your sense of self. How do you know what really matters to you when you’re so busy avoiding potential issues you lose touch with your original desires?

3. Overlapping Lives

Merging lives often means merging routines and interests, which is lovely, but not if it comes at the cost of individuality. It can be a lot of fun connecting with your partner’s interests, friends and family, and as the relationship deepens it’s important to be a part of each other’s worlds. But when the worlds collide are you forgetting about… you?

Signs You Might Be Losing Your Identity in a Relationship

• Your interests fade away: Your guitar gathers dust, your paints dry up, and your beloved books are unopened
• You compromise too much: Your wants and needs always come second, and you can’t remember the last time you chose the movie or restaurant or what to binge on the telly
• You’ve drifted from friends and family: Social circles shrink to just “couple friends,” and solo hangouts become rare
• You feel frustrated or like ‘time is running out’ every day, but you aren’t quite able to name why that is
• You’re blaming yourself for not being able to fit everything and everyone in, when it may be the issue is you’re trying to be everything to your partner at the cost of your own needs

Reclaiming Your Identity

So, how do you step out of the shadow of “us” and back into the light of “me”? How do you go from losing your identity in a relationship to maintaining it? Here are some practical steps to help you regain your identity without rocking the relationship boat too much.

1. Date Yourself

Yes, you heard that right. Take yourself out on a date. Solo.This could mean anything from a solo movie night to a posh cafe morning tea to an easy overnight walking trail (which I did alone myself once, along the Solitary Islands Coastal Walk). As Miley says, ‘I can buy myself flowers, write my name in the sand and take myself dancing’. Because you don’t need a relationship to enjoy that feeling of doing something a little bit special.

If you’re uncomfortable doing anything ‘a bit extra’ on your own, or you expect your partner to provide all the flowers and sand-writing, that’s a ticket to co-dependent insecure over-reliant disastertown. Not only do you start to feel like you literally can’t do anything without this person, you expect them to provide more than is really fair. Reconnecting with yourself in playful, self-loving, joyful ways is essential for (re)finding your individuality, figuring out how to be totally ok just being you and having the time of your life on you’re own. Plus, who better to spoil you than you?

2. Rediscover Old Passions

Think back to what used to make you happy before the relationship. Was it hiking, painting, dancing, or something else entirely? Dust off those hiking boots, grab a canvas, or head to a bush doof. Call up an old friend or three and make a plan to hang out, maybe revisit an old haunt. Rediscovering past joys can reignite your sense of self.

Not to mention that some adventurous time gives you much more to talk to your partner about when you do get together. Consider things that give you a sense of achievement or a huge buzzy happy boost, things that they don’t necessarily like to do themselves but would love to see you energised by. If your partner doesn’t want to see you happy doing anything away from them then that’s a whole ‘nother conversation.

3. Set Boundaries

You don’t need me to say this, but just in case you’ve forgotten: boundaries are not walls; they’re guidelines that enable you to participate in and enjoy the life you’ve chosen. Boundaries actually make you a better partner, because someone knows what to expect from you and what your needs are, they don’t have to guess. It might be hard to do the boundary thing if you’ve become enmeshed with someone, so start by booking a little “me time” each week and put it in your calendar. Make it clear that this time is non-negotiable. It’s not about excluding your partner but about including yourself.

Please note that if you’ve found yourself becoming a sidekick to activities you don’t enjoy, you need to tell your partner that. Sometimes openness to trying new things can translate as ‘I love this and I want to do this forever!’ It’s extra-hard to back out when someone thinks their thing is so awesome they really can’t believe you don’t want to spend all your time with them doing it.

If it’s appropriate, you can playfully remind them of all your things they don’t engage in. Your things that you believe are just as amazing and fun as theirs. It’s funny, but sometimes people are genuinely surprised to consider that hearing an author talk at a writers festival is just as fun and fulfilling as going on a yachting adventure.

One more note on boundaries: you need to keep setting them. It’s probably not just ‘you’ losing your identity in a relationship, but your partner as well. Don’t stop just because they forget the first time you’ve booked in your me-time. It’s very unusual to state a need or a limit and have the other person, from then on, be totally on board. You may need to remind them, a few times, that you need this time for yourself and it can’t be changed.

4. Communicate Openly

Have an honest conversation with your partner. Your partner could be puzzled, as they may not have recognised how you were feeling if it seemed like you’ve been having fun the whole time. They may even get defensive, or feel pushed away.

Try not to rush to fix any discomfort. Acknowledge how they feel, but make sure you share your feelings about not having enough time to do things for yourself. Express the importance of regaining your individuality. A supportive partner will understand and encourage your journey.

You might also want to gently remind your partner that you don’t want to be the kind of people who only do things together. It’s not uncommon for people in relationships to become reliant on their partner to fulfil all their needs and lose touch with their mates. Pointing out that some of the activities or social time your partner wants or has come to expect you to be a part of might actually be more enjoyable for them if you are not there.

If you’re struggling to talk about this (or anything else), I’m here if you want the help of a relationship coach (with 20+ years of experience, zero judgement, loads of compassion, and helpful unique strategies for reconnecting with yourself).

LEARN MORE

5. Revive Social Connections

Reach out to old friends and family. Just pick up the phone and suggest a date and a time for a chat (not a vague ‘let’s catch up’). When we’ve been out of the loop for awhile, our brain can tell us that ‘other people’ don’t actually care about us. What if the truth is that you’ve been unavailable? So it can take a bit of time to reconnect after you’ve lost touch, you have to get brave and try a few times if you’ve been lost in the love bubble. But you really need to make those precious connections (re)happen. These relationships are vital for a balanced life and provide a support network outside your romantic relationship.

I often see this problem in online relationship coaching and couples therapy, where the couple has become so insular they don’t have anyone else to talk to when struggles arise. Or they feel like they’re betraying their partner by sharing problems with someone else. Your relationship can become a kind of personal echo chamber, where you never hear another voice or opinion, and it’s actually kind of toxic.

We all need at least a few good, close humans in our life who remind us of who we are and who provide alternative voices.

6. Learn Something New

Take up a new hobby or learn a new skill. This can be incredibly empowering and a great way to meet new people. It’s also a reminder that you’re constantly growing and evolving.

If you’re feeling like ‘WTF, I already don’t have enough time for my life, how would I manage to fit in something new?!’ then it could be an interesting exploration for you in what could go.

How many couple activities do you have to do this week? How many things are you carrying that you could put down or hand over? Does it seem like your partner has time to themselves or for their must-do activities, but you don’t?

Honey, it’s time to give yourself permission to hand something over or drop it all together. Then make a little space for a ‘you’ thing. One way to push yourself to pick up something new is make it a thing that you have to show up for. Book a class or a session or arrange to meet someone at an event.

7. Journal Your Journey

Writing can be a powerful tool for self-discovery. Start a journal to track your thoughts, feelings, and progress. This can provide clarity and help you stay focused on your journey.

If journalling hasn’t worked for you in the past, try writing in the morning instead of at night. Sometimes writing at night brings lots of feelings up when you’re trying to go to sleep, but writing in the morning might help you get focused on yourself and your plans for the day or week ahead (emotional or literal goals).

Keeping Balance in the Future: Stop Yourself From Losing Your Identity in a Relationship

Preventing identity loss is about maintaining a balance between togetherness and individuality. Here’s how to keep that balance:

• Regular Check-ins: Regularly evaluate how you’re feeling about your sense of self. Adjust your activities and boundaries as needed
• Support Each Other’s Interests: Encourage each other to pursue individual hobbies and interests. It’s healthy to have separate passions
• Plan Solo Activities: Ensure both of you have time set aside for personal interests and activities. Independence is attractive and essential for personal growth. Mating in captivity requires us to consider how to keep a romantic relationship feeling fresh, which it won’t if you’re always together.

You’re Worth It

Regaining your identity in a relationship is not only possible, but it’s also essential for long-term happiness and fulfilment. By taking small, meaningful steps, you can rediscover the unique individual that you are, while still nurturing your relationship.

Remember, it’s about finding a balance where “me” and “we” coexist harmoniously. So go ahead, embrace the journey of self-rediscovery with enthusiasm.

After all, you’re worth every bit of the effort. Book that solo adventure, pick up that forgotten hobby, call an old friend, and remember, the world needs the unique, vibrant you. Happy rediscovering.

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If you’re ready to like yourself just a little bit more, gaining confidence step-by-step in 10 weeks, then you might like to get my budget-friendly ebook ‘Bolder’ (affordability does not mean compromising on unique, rich, helpful content). Available on kindle here and all other retailers here.

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Main photo by Jade Destiny on Unsplash