Have you got a case of a lost identity?
Bianca* contacted me because she didn’t know who she was anymore:
‘I’ve lost my identity. My sense of self. I feel completely confused and exhausted. I try to take up hobbies but I just can’t find my ‘thing’. My life has become so wrapped up in minutae that there’s no joy anymore.
I’ve wanted to connect with old friends or make new ones, but I find myself making excuses when the time actually comes to make contact- when I literally have the phone in my hand I suddenly find 6 chores that ‘have’ to be done.
I don’t know who I am anymore, or even what I enjoy. It’s like I went out in 2013 and haven’t come home. I keep looking for my ‘tribe’ but I just don’t seem to fit in anywhere. I feel sad and worried but I don’t know what to do about it.
Where Am I? Where’s my lost identity?’
Does Bianca’s story sound familiar to you?
At certain pivotal times in our lives it is common to be hit with a severe case of the ‘Who Am I’s?’
A major problem is that we aren’t all hit at the same time and for the same reasons, which can add to a sense of isolation.
- Some people find connection and meaning through parenthood and when their kids are little is the most joyous time of their lives. Others find the first years of parenthood uber-challenging. They struggle in their relationships (new and old) and don’t enjoy the repetition of parenting toddlers.
- Sometimes a separation or divorce creates a sense of identity loss, especially later in life. Who are they without being the partner of this person (even if it wasn’t a great relationship)?
- Perhaps it’s simply age and stage of life. Some folks find themselves winding back on the partying or the socialising in their mid-30’s. That might be because work is incredibly consuming or friendships have changed or their just simply feeling more tired and less inclined to be a victim of FOMO. They would like to develop new interests, but don’t know where to begin.
If we begin to investigate your lost identity, let’s lay the groundwork by asking the RIGHT questions.
And start finding your way back to you…
1) A sense of identity is connected to a sense of meaning. A feeling of ‘I know my place in this world’.
- What is the Meaning-Making you used to attach to areas of your life when you felt you had a stronger identity?
- What mattered to you? (go on, write stuff down)
- Can you reconnect with what matters without doing all the same things, or has what matters changed? If it’s changed, then perhaps you’re yearning for something that no longer is actually important to you.
- Is it possible to reconnect with ‘you’ by finding new things in alignment with what is important to you AND giving yourself some serious credit for the things you already are doing?
2) Your sense of identity can be impacted heavily by any sort of oppression or violence or a significant loss.
Have you been subjected to any kind of ‘wearing down’ of your ‘youness’:
- Through a relationship or workplace bullying or any environment that had a toxicity injection?
- Did you lose someone and the shock caused you to shut down?
- What is your sense of how you might have continued to travel had that impact not got in your way?
- Can you enact some loving kindness to yourself about that impact (the same as you would be to a friend)?
- Is there a way to acknowledge, ritualise, and gently move away from that impact?
- Are there ways that you can stand up for others who have been through the same thing (even if it’s anonymously online)?
3) A belief of unworthiness can be lurking behind the lost identity.
- Do you find it extremely challenging to connect with people (new and old)?
- Do you find yourself saying ‘Oh, I don’t want to bother them’ or fearing rejection?
- What would it FEEL like to be free of that critical voice- who would you call or email or walk up to in an unfamiliar environment? Embrace that feeling in your imagination.
- How could that [hoped for] connection give you some sense of yourself: why would that connection be important to you?
4) Life is a continuous rush towards the ‘next thing’.
- Life changes. It’s surprising how we change in so many ways we would not have expected. The discomfort and shock of looking at ourselves in the mirror and not recognising the person can have us hiding in a hole and berating ourselves; ignoring it and pushing on in ‘robot mode’; or trying a million things in order to ‘find’ our thing immediately and get rid of that feeling. But just STOP for a moment. Has there been time for the not-knowing?
- What is it like to genuinely sit with the not-knowing?
- Is it ok or not ok to ‘not-know’?
- What would it be like to really get on board and say out loud in the mirror ‘I don’t know yet and that is just fine!’… Go on, give it some practice.
5) Losing touch with your values.
- The way we live in alignment with our values often changes over time, but the core values tend to stay relatively similar. When we live far away from our values, we can find ourselves dreadfully unhappy and confused. Is there something about how my life is that is totally at odds with what I believe in?
- What would it take for me to make even a small change around the way I am living that is a step closer to my values?
- How will I know and acknowledge myself when I have taken a step?
An example might be that you used to be a grassroots activist, pounding the pavement every weekend and now you don’t have the energy to keep it up. So you’re beating yourself up because you’re not the same anymore- as though you no longer care. If you look inside and find that you DO still care, you can ask yourself: what can I do NOW that is still in alignment with this value but doesn’t take up as much energy?
6) You love to ride the Nostalgia Train
- Sometimes we cannot resist yearning for a lost sense of identity by hopping on the Nostalgia Train. We think she might be back there in the past and that we just need to reconnect with her. The nostalgia train is filled with luscious rosy-coloured memories that real life could never live up to (and in fact the actual past also did not live up to).
- Where are you NOW? And NOW? And NOW?
- What is it like to think about your identity not as something that can be ‘lost’ and ‘found’ but is something that is in a perpetual state of creation? Reflect on that for a bit and see what comes up.
In Narrative Therapy we talk about our work together- me as counsellor you as client- as a co-creation. We are BOTH changed in some way by the process of working alongside each other, together, even though we are working on you.
It can be incredibly unnerving to step away from ideas that our identity is ‘fixed’ in some way. To really bodily FEEL that you are not fixed and who you are is a continuing work-in-progress can be downright discombobulating.
Maybe even frightening.
But the Nostalgia Train- while great for a reminisce with your old friends, or a lovely trip to take- can become a problem. It can get stuck on the same track, never stopping. You find yourself yearning for an impossible life.
An impossible YOU.
Even if you went back in time, you would never be ‘you’ in that place at that age with that same life experience and relationships ever again.
I invite you to hop off the Nostalgia Train and instead reflect on this core question:
- What was meaningful to you at that time, why you feel so connected to the ‘you’ from back then, and how you can live in the NOW (in a state of motion and creation) while finding solidity in your values.
My guess is that your lost identity can be re-created, re-built and eventually re-loved from these places rather than found hanging about in a bar in 1998 with bad hair and low self-esteem.
What do you think?
Add a comment if you have some tips on finding a lost identity.
Considering counselling? Get in touch with me here and ask ANY questions you may have. I’d love to help you reconnect with your precious self.
Love Nicole OOXO
Main Image by Maia Habegger on Unsplash; Photo 2 by Annie Spratt and Photo 3 by hannah grace on Unsplash
Thank-you for all this insight! You’ve sparked new ideas for me, and I feel a little more optimistic already.
That’s awesome Tammy! Glad to hear this feedback :).
This article is very familiar to me. I lived in LA for 3 years in a small apartment in a toxic environment secluded. Next thing I know I’m back in my hometown working my old job. Its like I can’t go out and form new healthy experiences.
Thank you for sharing these ideas.
I gave up a lot of my interests in favor of someone else’s for a long time. I very strongly relate to the section on unworthiness. I’ve felt like my issues have stemmed from low self-esteem and low self-worth but haven’t had much lasting success in my efforts to build myself up.
I feel hopeful reading these and look forward to reflecting on them!
Hi Julie. I can totally relate. I will be 60 next year and still struggle with unworthiness and self-esteem issues. It’s become even more difficult to talk about because I feel I should have it “together” by now. I just wish there were groups that could meet these needs. People that can relate. I just always felt insecure and I know it stemmed from my childhood. We grew up fast and I I think had to become independent too soon. Was married but never really even bonded with my husband and always felt less than…even though I raised 3 good children.
Thank you Nicole. This was exactly the piece I needed to read right now. The questions were perfect to work my way through.
Great news! My pleasure and best of luck Kristin.
Hi Nicole,
Sometimes it’s really worth googling your inner struggles.
The acute feeling of “losing your sense of self” is what I find to be the most dreadful experience, which always hits me when going through a bout of depression. Looking into a mirror with the emotional onset of not recognizing yourself is nothing but a total terror of mind.
Worth to mention is that the “normal” me is far above average in positivity and confidence, so the clashes are severe.
The thought of a less fixed identity than the one that I am always aiming for is reassuring and helps me in this very moment.
Thank you
Thank YOU Anna for this comment. Knowing yourself as more ‘fluid’, continuing to grow and change having ups and downs without a ‘good or bad’ way of being can be extremely powerful.
I had cosmetic surgery done to my face and I feel like I’ve completely lost who I was and I’ve been devastated. Looking in the mirror is a complete and utter terror for me. I’ve been trying to research on how to feel like myself again but I’ve been in such a deep depression that it’s been unbelievable painful. Thank you for this post, I did have some good take aways from it.
Hi Nicole! This post really resonated with me. I’ve been on and off mourning over the loss of my identity. After 17 years of marriage sometimes I cannot recognize the person I’ve become. I yearn to be the young fun, confident girl I was.
I’m going to try to workout out and really take a deep look at some of the stuff you’ve mentioned. This is a great starting point… And yes I’m guilty of a one way ticket on the nostalgia train… I need to hop off and make sense of who I am today not yearn for some romantic version of who I thought I was 20 years ago.
Thank you!
Thanks so much for this, Nicole, it has been what most closely and non-judgamentaly has adressed my issues right now. I have anxiety, so I REALLY need to have everything always planned ahead. And a B plan. And a C plan wouldn’t hurt. So, when everything I had planned for my life after graduation came crumbling down infront of me, or wasn’t what I expected it to be, I really felt like I lost myself.
Almost at the same time I started this amazing realtionship with an incredible guy, and I confluenced myself with him quite a lot, so in between that and keeping myself very busy I ended up without time for myself. That’s why the identity crisis hit me the hardest when someone I had just met asked me what were my hobbies. I don’t have those anymore. And I don’t have a career. And I don’t wanna just be someone’s girlfriend. So, who the fuck am I and why the eff am I alive for?
Gosh, life’s a mess sometimes.
I can totally relate!
Thank you for this article! Very helpful and really hits me with the questions I need to be asking myself.
Thank you for writing this, Nicole! It’s one of very few articles I find that actually addresses the identity crisis I’m going through.
I’m a 35-year-old Southeast Asian who was raised in my home country as a conservative Evangelical Christian and groomed to migrate to North America, where I’d hoped to pursue studies and eventually a career in science or engineering.
But in my early teens, my dad, a scientist working for a corporation, got caught up in office politics hot water. So he made me plan my high school to prepare for business school instead. I never was interested in becoming a corporate boss, but I wanted to think that no matter what career I end up with, I wanted to have control of my financial security.
So I complied, but ended up missing out on the science classes I would have needed to pursue the career I really wanted. Another thing was that at that time I got accelerated in weird circumstances I won’t get into, ended up changing schools once a year and graduated high school at 16. I went to two schools: the second one (15-16) was my dream all-star boarding school with the programmes I wanted, and the first one (14-15) was the cheap one that offered the acceleration but catered to kids of drunk hillbillies and did nothing but demoralise my studies.
My university plans had been so muddled up by my parents wishes so they took over and sent me to major in business at an unaccredited fundamentalist Christian college in the US bible belt, because it was way cheaper than a proper American university. I got kicked out in 2 semesters, again, in weird circumstances that wouldn’t have happened in a normal university that didn’t have the legalism of a Christian school. I was only 17, and after a lifetime of being a good student projected to have a bright future, I became a tarnished college dropout.
My parents then sent me to Europe because universities there are cheaper than in America–but this was a detour I never really wanted, save for my parents’ promise to acquire new languages, new perspectives on diversity in a globalised world, and easy international travel.
And then the special business major I chose in Europe got cancelled shortly upon my arrival due to not enough enrollment. I wasn’t getting along with my friends, and was the butt of gossip at church because I was the new girl who hugged her boyfriend at cold bus stops. And that boyfriend turned out to be a hot headed, abusive liar who constantly embarrassed me in public and threatened my safety at home.
At this point I lost faith in education and in my parents, but somehow held on to my religion. I found refuge in a multilevel marketing pyramid that my cousin referred me to, and my elderly upline couple became like parents to me–guiding me, helping me and even taking me in at one point. But it was a predatory business that pitted me further against my education and career plans, my parents, and the hopeless loser I would supposedly become if I didn’t commit to succeed in this “business.”
I didn’t see my parents for 3 years, but when they finally visit when I turned 21, I realised how much I miss them. My dad told me that our country is in a better place now, no longer the crisis torn civil war zone I knew it as when I left 7 years earlier. So I decided to come home later that year and start afresh.
In hindsight maybe I should have restored my faith in a STEM future and pick up where I left off at 14. But instead, I still didn’t have faith in the education system, and wanted what I thought was a well paying career I could start without a degree: broadcasting. Eventually I re-started university at 22, studying communications at a really shitty college near where my parents and I lived.
While I don’t regret restarting college at 22 and only getting my degree at 26, I regret majoring in communication and going to that shitty college. Instead of trying and failing at broadcasting while studying an easy but useless major, I really could have just went all in with an engineering degree at a good and reputable research university.
My broadcasting dreams nudged a little and I ended up becoming a journalist. I liked working for a magazine but they paid farts. I moved on to a TV newsroom but hated it for the office politics and how it was killing my creativity. Again, TV paid farts too and I felt angry about the uncertainty of my financial future.
I went into freelance travel writing when I was 27, when I realised it’s a good way to put my journalism skills into experiences that help me get to know and love the home country I was raised to despise. For a long time, it was the best career decision I’ve ever made. I wouldn’t call myself “successful” but I cared about my work, had control over what I do with my time, and was making better money than when employed in the media.
That said, I had a rough start to freelancing, so I hunted for overseas grad school scholarships hoping to get ahead. So I left for Australia to master in international development, hoping this would help me understand the economic and political struggles my country’s “travel destinations” face, and insights on how to help them. Plus, international NGOs and UN organisations pay better than journalism, so it’s a win-win.
However, I learned some things the hard way. Having a master’s degree doesn’t mean I get to actually master a new field, it just enriches the skill set I already established in my bachelor’s with some new perspectives. So back to journalism it is. But after being abroad for 2-3 years of grad school and passion projects, it wasn’t easy to just pick up where I left off with my professional network back home.
So after grad school, I’ve had a very mixed freelance career consisting of assisting research, translating, copywriting, documentary filmmaking, small acting gigs and freelance journalism for international media. This went well for two years, but I had a feeling this could all go to hell if my luck runs out. And it did when the covid-19 pandemic happened.
Today, I don’t know anymore who I am. STEM Caro was over before she started. Business Caro wasn’t meant to be. Broadcasting Caro only happened in occasional sparks but never really took off. I ended up a pathetic Journalist Caro who wants more but never gets more. Activist Caro doesn’t believe in activism, she only cares about herself and “helps” others with words. Consultant Caro is confused because she loves variety but has no future in any of those varieties. I thought Travel Caro was my ultimate self, but covid-19 took that away from me.
Christian Caro? I left the faith 10 years ago when my father was having an affair and the church cared more about my parents’ wedding vows and my unconditional forgiveness than they did about holding my dad accountable and encouraging my mom to embrace change.
Independent Caro? My jobs evaporated and now I’m living with parents who are losers I despise. Someone might say I’m just a bad daughter who’s disrespectful and won’t grow up. But believe me, I did all the growing up that was there in what’s left of my life after my selfish and insecure parents took my formative years away from me. That’s why I’m not nice to them: they didn’t (still don’t now) care about my future, so why should I care about their feelings? My parents are the last people in the universe that I want to be like, but I’m stuck with them and can’t do anything about it but be mad about it without any possible resolve.
Oftentimes I really wish this life I’m loving is just one really long nightmare, and that I’ll wake up in the morning back in my 12-year-old self in 1997, and go back to making the right choices in my life. Five years at the second all-star boarding school, lose my religion while in high school, five years at engineering school in Canada, probably go back to my unaffected country because I’d graduate during the 2008 crisis, get ahead in my career because I have foreign qualifications, return to Canada for grad school, establish a startup that fosters my country’s and Canada’s collaboration, and now during the pandemic I’d be working on something that addresses problems needing solving for the post-pandemic world.
But of course that will always be a fantasy. I’ve gone too far from my STEM dreams and pursued a career that has all to do with my own satisfaction and nothing to do with solving the world’s problems, that no longer has relevance in today’s world.
I really don’t know how to rediscover and reinvent myself yet another time. I feel that I really am out of my proverbial cards now and have no place left in the game. But this is not how I want it to be. I wish someone who doesn’t judge me could just sit down with me and ask the questions in this post to me and we’d make some concrete plans to run with to change my life. Right now I feel that not even pyschotherapists I paid for help me in this way–they just want to focus on feelings and forgiveness. But thank you Nicole for giving me something new to try. And if you read this far, thank you. All the best.