Have you made a big change in your life that was supposed to be a good thing, but has shaken your sense of identity to the core? Do you want to rediscover your identity? Then this blog post is for you.
Maybe you chose to have a baby or start a new career or move to a new country. Whatever it was, you knew it would be hard (as all changes are), but not THIS hard. You thought you’d feel lighter, happier, more in-tune with your life plans.
So why don’t you feel good?
There are loads of answers to that question.
Here’s one broader element you may not have considered.
As a society and a world we’ve been through a lot.
It’s been a helluva time, and it’s not over. Covid-19 rocked all our worlds. Climate change isn’t being effectively addressed. Our sense of agency over our own lives has taken a serious beating. Our general resilience is lower, so everything feels harder. We’ve been overloaded by seemingly endless reality checks.
Simply being around loads of people all at once is a shock to the nervous system and can be exhausting and stressful. It’s a lot and it takes much longer than we think to adjust and recover.
Maybe you made a big change as a response to some of these world events, or as a response to some kind of personal loss or struggle.
Big questions are emerging:
- Who am I now?
- What will my life look like?
- How can I hang onto the important lessons from the reason I made a big change without getting caught up in a web of anxiety?
- Do I still care about the same things I used to?
- How can I live most fully and authentically?
- What should I fight for and what can I let go of?
It’s scary, right?!
But it’s doesn’t have to be quite so rough.
Let me explain how you can rediscover your identity now that things are kinda sorta definitely different.
Accept this is how you feel
You have changed. Maybe you didn’t realise it when you were deciding to take action on your life in a positive way, but it’s true. Whatever it is you’re feeling: it’s ok my love.
You haven’t done anything wrong if you’re struggling to embrace change. In fact, it’s very possible you’re doing something right by letting this take time. Letting yourself feel into a ‘new normal’ again is about accompanying yourself with affection into unknown territory. Giving deserved attention to the gravity of your own life.
What becomes more available when you accept how you feel?
That doesn’t mean accepting intrusive thoughts as facts or giving in to darkness, but it does mean no more fighting with yourself. It means letting yourself off the hook for not being able to jump into everything like a bat out of hell.
To be honest, I’m more concerned when people are wildly elated in the earlyish stages of a big change, because that feeling is unstable. And it can even be addictive, which can lead to that chase for the feeling (believing that ‘high’ is something a person should be in constantly, leaving a trail of chaos behind).
So let yourself slow down. That might mean saying ‘no’ to things for a bit and making time to bushwalk, journal or do yoga.
Explore what went right
Ask yourself: what did I learn from my life in the ‘before’ conditions that I appreciate?
You may have found out that you hate meetings and you resolved to attend as few as possible in the next phase of your life. Or there was such a deep love for your partner that bringing a baby into the world together felt as important as breathing. Maybe you found a creative side that needs to live or a side that yearns for relaxation.
What became most important to you when all the other stuff was taken away?
What surprised you about your own resilience and what did that look like action-wise?
Did you learn something new about your values?
Did you get a new bullshit detector that you can’t (and possibly don’t want to) switch off now?
Explore what went wrong
If you’re feeling as though you’ve lost your identity, it could be because some of the ways you are used to ‘knowing’ yourself aren’t actually who you are anymore (and maybe haven’t been for a long time- ya’ll know what I’m talking about nostalgia train passengers).
Rather than considering your identity as something that is ‘fixed’ and therefore buried inside you or located in some other time (past or the future but never ‘now’), open up to the idea that identity is fluid. You didn’t chose this pathway, but perhaps the hard lessons are worth something.
Maybe they gave you some insight into what matters most to you these days. That could be as simple as knowing you need more rest. Or that your worth is not tied up in being superhuman (now tell me THAT’s not a crucial life lesson!).
To rediscover your identity you need to let go of ways of being that no longer serve you.
Find yourself a counsellor or a personal coach, talk it out, get clearer on your plans for yourself (and if they’re working out or if you’re just anxious about the change) and let things take a bit more time to settle in.
Take each step to rediscover your identity with thoughtful trepidation
A time of discovery should be a time of experience and then contemplation. Your whole body knows that, and is likely rejecting ‘all the things’ in response to the pressure of busyness. Think about it: is it the rush to ‘get back to how things were’ insane, or your slowness to accept change? I’m ‘team slow’, just in case that wasn’t obvious.
I know how hard it is to say no when people are inviting you to things or when your new boss expects you to physically be at work all day every day again or when your business isn’t taking off like you’d hoped or when a big move isn’t the magical cure to all your problems.
But if you don’t honour what your body and heart are telling you, you might miss something seriously important. And if you push yourself beyond your limits, what are the consequences?
Try things out slowly, lovingly and see what delights you. Relish the experience for what it is without rushing to the next thing or ticking a box.
Pay attention to the thoughts that come up. Like ‘I should be better at this’ or ‘I can’t just sit on the floor with the baby, I have to get the laundry done’. Do your best not to engage deeply with these thoughts and just keep doing what you’re doing. It takes time for the brain to adjust to new things. It takes practice.
But what’s next?
The advantage to being in such a challenging time is the realisation that nothing is fixed, including your identity. The fact is we don’t know what is next, so it’s ok to slow down and BE with our fine selves.
You can (and should) plan carefully when making a big change, but nothing can fully prepare you for those kinds of identity shifts. You won’t know how it is for you until you do it AND give it a really big, long, juicy chance to succeed.
Sitting with the not-knowing can actually be an incredible gift. This is a place of discovery, how exciting is that?!
You are shaping the foundations of your own life when you make a big change. You can rediscover your identity if you let yourself be free of all those expectations.
Try being a little softer with yourself, accept all the feelings (without believing their nasty stories about you), appreciate what you’ve learned, and then approach your new life with gentle curiosity. You may very well find your sense of self returning, and landing somewhere more settling than even in the beforetimes. Maybe even somewhere better than you ever could have planned for.
If you liked ‘(Re)Discover Your Identity After A Big Change’, please share it or add your thoughts in the comments below.
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And if you’re looking for a personal coach (with 20+ years experience as a therapist) to help you do this identity-discovery work, get in touch with me here.
Photo by Joseph Frank on Unsplash
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