What Not To Ask When Making Small Talk
You’re at a conference or a party or an awesome singles event, like one of these speed dating working bees at Ceres in Melbourne. You’re meeting a lot of lovely people, maybe even one who gives you little tingle. You want to make a good impression, but how?
It’s inevitable you’re going to have to engage in the dreaded first-time conversation with this new person. You hate making small talk, but you’re nervous and you don’t know what else to ask other than the tried-and-tested things we’ve all prattled on about a million times.
It’s not a crime to whip out the regular questions that we all expect in these kind of awkward situations. Especially if you’re attracted to someone it can be really hard to think of something ‘different’ without sounding like you’ve just Googled ‘things to ask on a first date’.
But sometimes small talk isn’t just boring. Bad small talk can make you come across negatively, or it can even be a little hurtful.
So why not try and change it up?
Small talk: what NOT to ask. Here are 7 typical small talk topics that could do with a breather, and some alternatives to take their place.
1) Do you have kids?
Please can we just ban this question from small talk and save it for when we know someone a tad more? What if the person you’re talking to can’t have kids or has been trying for 5 years? What if they don’t want them at all?
The question ‘do you have kids?’ is totally fine IF you’re 100% confident you can respond well to whatever the person says. Accept their answer without judgement, curiosity and kindness (not pity or confusion). And if you’re asking this question because you just want to talk about/show pictures of your own kids, definitely have a BIG think about whether the stranger you’ve just met is really interested.
What to say instead:
There are so many options for asking about the lives in people’s lives. ‘Do you have any pets?’ or ‘do you have any siblings?’ can work, or steer clear of family altogether and go adventurous with ‘tell me about your best friend’.
2) What do you do for a living?
Unless you have a solid grasp on a variety of professions, this one has little direction to go when making small-talk. You don’t have that long in a brief chat to really learn much about someone’s job. Also, knowing what people do for a crust can lead us to make unfair assumptions about others- from income to status. Factor in the possibility that the person may not be working at the moment, and a question like this goes from humdrum to awkward as hell.
What to say instead:
‘What was your first boss like?’ or ‘So what’s your typical Monday?’ or skip work stuff altogether and ask ‘where was your favourite holiday destination?’
3) How’s about all that rain this morning?
This one is just boring. Yes it’s raining. We all know.
What to say instead:
‘Do you have a funny caught-in-the-rain story’? or ‘What are your Top 3 rainy day activities?’
4) Where are you from?
This is fine if you can follow it with something genuinely interesting. But as is, it doesn’t really give the responder much to work with other than a one-word answer-
E.g: ‘I’m from NYC/Sydney/London’
to which the asker might then say something stereotypical of said location-
E.g: ‘Oh, you’re a big city girl?!’
I mean, come on, where can this possibly go? Nowhere good my friend.
What to say instead:
With just a little tweak this line of inquiry opens up a lot more options for a better chat: ‘tell me something visitors don’t appreciate about where you’re from?’ or ‘how did you decide to live where you live now?’
5) What brought you here today?
When someone doesn’t know you well, they’re unlikely to give you an honest answer to this question, and the surface answer is easy to work out. If it’s a conference then it’s similar to your answer; if it’s a funeral it’s because they’re connected to the person who has died; if it’s a party it’s because they know one of the hosts. If it’s a speed dating event… well, you catch my drift.
What to say instead:
Ask the person something about the thing/event that is happening ‘in the moment’ and attempt to do this in a positive light (whingeing is not small talk). This can be as light as ‘what’s your favourite food on the spread here?’ or ‘what did you think of that speaker?’.
Don’t be afraid to offer a little of your own opinion, to break the ice and not make someone wallow in vulnerability. A LITTLE of your opinion though, not a one-person speech-athon (that goes for all small-talk. As a waffler myself I know being chatty is somewhat unavoidable when nervous, but try and focus on listening more, you may be surprised).
6) Are you into sport?
The answer to this might be ‘yes, and…’ but it also might be ‘no’. Door closed.
What to say instead:
Ask ‘what’s gets you up on a Saturday?’ or the good old ‘what do you do in your downtime?’ We tend to think we need to find things in common with people, so we ask about stuff that we know about. But sometimes a much more interesting conversation can be found when you don’t have any interests in common. Listening with genuine curiousity is the best small talk skill.
7) How are you?
I know we all do it, but try to avoid this question unless you genuinely want to know (and are prepared to answer yourself), or it’s absolutely expected of you to ask.
What to say instead:
So this one isn’t as easily off-the-cuff as the previous ones, but get your brain around something like this statement/question and try it on for size: ‘I’m glad to be here today, and I’m really excited about such-and-such, but I didn’t sleep well last night so struggling to keep my eyes open. What about you? What are you looking forward to?’. This kind of line of inquiry gives a little info about you, it’s a tad vulnerable without being a giant whinge, and invites the other person to respond with as much or as little as they want. Or to ask you more questions!
So there you have it. Small Talk: What NOT To Ask (and what to ask instead) can and will help you make better connections with people in general. And you know what? Great small talk may just help you kick things off with the future love of your life.
In fact, here’s a couple of bonus questions if you do meet that special person:
Can I have your number?
Do you want to go on a date with me?
Yup. Simple, straightforward, risky-as-hell but ultimately honest and real. Why play games? Why be coy? If you like someone, don’t muck about. They might be just as keen as you are. And if not? I know how hard it is to handle rejection but being able to do so with your dignity and self-esteem in tact is part of the learning curve of finding love.
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