Sometimes not doing something can be even more scandalous than doing something.
(And speaking as someone who has done a number of scandalous things in her life, the response to this particular ‘not doing’ has been the most shocking, and caused me the most bewildering amount of sadness.)
If you’re in the same boat- or you think you might come aboard- then I know how you feel, and I want to help.
It turns out that my decision to not have kids is so controversial that it causes, at a minimum level, mild concern, and at a maximum level enormous outrage.
Data from the US, UK and Australia indicate that anywhere from 14 – 25% of women are childless or childfree. The Australian Bureau of Statistics estimates that between 2023 and 2029 there will be more people in relationships without children than with them.
When I have mentioned with increasing sureness over the past few years to people that I don’t want children, the responses are a mixed bag. More puzzled discomfort or misunderstandings than outright judgement.
I’m one of the lucky ones, if my childfree peers are anything to go by.
What strikes me as most difficult about this decision is the public backlash against childfree women and the subsequent lack of community for us.
I have friends who don’t have children because they aren’t in a relationship but would like to be parents one day, and friends who are painfully struggling with fertility, and of course I have friends who have children.
In fact, I know barely a handful of women scattered across the country who are also choosing to be childfree. And most of them aren’t particularly vocal about it.
As a person in her late 30’s in a happy childless relationship, I’m in the vast minority.
It’s a weird position to be in. Nothing has changed, but really everything has changed. I’m grown up. I’m making huge life decisions on how to live and give and be my best in the time we have on this planet.
I’ve realised that I’d dearly love to find others who are trying to work through similar times in their lives. Lives that didn’t revert to permanent teenagehood at the same time as others had children. A place for women to talk positively about these lives in a society that wishes to quiet us down.
But when I began looking for Australian Childfree communities, it wasn’t so easy to find what I was looking for. I wondered why people seemed to be pretty hush-hush about a decision that supposedly almost a quarter of us are making?
Digging a little deeper, I found some answers that were truly upsetting.
They shook me to my core, brought on tears, and made me think twice. Thrice. Four times about whether or not to write this piece.
But as a women’s mental health professional, it’s important to try and speak about this, because our decisions really should be our own and not in the hands of others, and we shouldn’t be afraid to talk about it.
The articles mentioned above that reveal the data on who is and who isn’t having children in Australia? They nearly all contain some kind of ominous warning from an ‘expert’ about population decline, about the economy collapsing. And we’re talking about a range of publications, some of whom are lauded for their integrity.
Even the Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) website in using this data to discuss social trends moves away from even-handed speculating on the data at hand and into making wildly alarmist predictions about all the problems that could occur should everyone suddenly opt out of motherhood.
As though we are seriously in danger of the population decreasing, when on the same ABS website there’s clearly data proving otherwise (without the giant dose of speculation).
Triple J’s Hack recently hosted a discussion on the topic of whether young people should be allowed to choose sterilisation, which begs the question: why are adult decisions that do not harm others- potentially regrettable or otherwise- a matter of public debate?
As though it would be irresponsible to talk about childfree people without a warning, like we are in some way obligated to have children, frightening echoes of The Handmaids Tale.
Underlying these kinds of discussions is a worrying truthbomb: that a lot of people think women have a moral imperative to reproduce. Whether conscious or otherwise, this belief seeps into the way our culture views childfree people.
There are thinly-veiled judgements about the kinds of people who would opt out of parenthood: that we must be career-driven vacuous selfish folks. That we love our jet skis more than other human beings (NB: I do not own a jet ski. And I’ve spent my life and career in service to other people as a social worker and therapist working sensitively with parents and non-parents alike as well as being a children’s counsellor. But there I go: defending our selfhoods, which I promised myself I wouldn’t do).
And of course there are the exceptionally sad stories of the ‘childless’ women who want to have children but cannot. These are valid and heartbreaking narratives and I have no desire to see them hushed away. I’m so glad that there are communities such as Gateway and local support services available for those suffering the trauma of infertility.
And I’m glad that for the most part, they get to own their narrative.
Childfree people do not.
We are speculated on by just about everybody, including some mums who feel the need to tell us what we are missing out on. We aren’t listened to when we share what our decision is really about or the circumstances that lead us there.
There are jokes about us having too much time on our hands when we share our thoughts, suggesting our very contemplations are some sort of luxury. Even though they are not intentionally patronising, there’s a sting in the tail because ‘busyness’ is regarded as the ultimate grown-up status symbol.
Sometimes we are even raged at when expressing any kind of opinion, as though non-parents don’t have a right to contribute to the society we all live in and the community we all share.
The broader social implication is that there is no publicly acceptable to way to just BE a woman and live a life of contentment.
If we are ever invited to speak about being childfree, there’s simply no way to do it without falling into justifying yourself –see above. Childfree people are inevitably backed into a corner shouting ‘But I love children, I’m not a monster!’ even if they don’t, in a way that no parent feels obligated to announce other than when talking about their own.
It can be rough out there.
A lot of us are determined to resist the frustration that boils up after:
- Reading the articles warning of impending doom that quietly imply women’s obligations to ‘do woman’ as we tell you to thank you very much
- Hearing the endless pitying stories written by people who are not childfree about our inevitable regrets
- Figuring out how to kindly respond to others who think it’s a compliment to tell you what a great mum you’d make when you tell them you’ve decided not to have children. I mean, they’re lovely words, and I appreciate you think that, but did you really listen to what I just said?
If you’re like me, you’ll want to find others who understand, and even more importantly, who inspire you in a world that still struggles to really come to terms with childfree and childless women.
Across the ocean there are some really lovely, inspiring and empowering childfree groups that have been developing for some time.
One of my favourites is Canadian Childfree: Not a Dirty Word chockfull of interesting articles, forums, media links, quotes, news, holiday options and resources for people who want to celebrate (or come to terms with) and respectfully discuss a childfree lifestyle.
In the USA there’s the Rinky DINK life (Double Income No Kids), which was started by a sensitive woman who arrived at being childfree by choice ‘sort of’. Similarly there’s The Not Mom, which holds a yearly summit for women who are childfree AND childless. We’re not having a baby is a fun space full of rants and resources created by an enthusiastically childfree couple. In Australia there’s the Childfree Zone and in the UK and Ireland there’s a group called Childfree Women. There are also varying Meet Ups in major cities for childfree get-togethers.
We’re thanking the internet right now for global boundaries collapsing and the ability to connect with likeminded people outside our immediate borders!!
The fact is that it’s incredibly hard to find your in-person childfree tribe.
And make no mistake: we do need a tribe.
In the same way that my wonderful parent-friends needed to connect with other women who are also on that particular adventure, I think we need stronger and more vocal and positive childfree communities. Even trying to explain to my closest loved ones who have children why I feel this way isn’t always easy.
‘Well it’s just a different decision’ say a number of well-meaning friends, not really understanding that it’s not ‘just a different decision’.
It’s a decision to not-do something that almost no one we know is also not-doing.
It’s a decision to not-do something that most of society thinks is the most important thing a person can do.
It’s a decision that might make potential counselling clients not have faith in me, even with years of professional, successful, and beautiful child-centred work under my belt.
‘You’d better make sure you do something really fulfilling then’ says another well-meaning friend. Does having children automatically make a life more fulfilling?
You know, perhaps it does. Many people who were not able to be good parents still consider having a child to be the best thing that they ever achieved. I don’t wish to judge those people. I’ve met many of them over my years in social work, and we’re all humans doing the best we can.
But then, if having children is automatically a ticket to a kind of fulfilment, it’s even more crucial that those of us who choose not to reproduce have a voice in a society that is regularly scared to make it’s own meaning.
When having children doesn’t really feel like a ‘choice’ but is instead the default setting, how are we going to make it ok for women to choose any path their heart desires?
I think a good start is with brave vulnerability, kindness and genuine curiosity.
Because here’s the truth:
I don’t know anyone who has thought about having children more thoroughly than people who choose to be childfree.
To choose to not do something that is ‘supposed’ to give you meaning as a human being.
To know you are giving that up, that you will be forging into less-travelled territory as you are creating your own meaning-making, and additionally you will receive judgment from society for the rest of your life, is no light matter.
We have grappled in our very deepest and darkest places with this decision.
Had conversations for hours and hours with partners.
Wondered whether we should risk putting it on our dating profiles.
Googled ‘childfree women’ at 3am countless times, looking for regrets as much as happiness, wondering what we ARE going to do with these precious years when our friends are understandably consumed by their children.
We wonder if we’ll be happy, if we’ll be successful, if our time is being well spent, if our dreams will come true, if our relationships will be fulfilling, if our careers are the right choices, if our lifestyles truly honour what we value in life.
And my god, we need to talk to each other about it.
It would be a dream to share our thoughts without a ‘you’ll regret it’ lurking around every corner. And yet we shouldn’t need to ‘dream’ about places where we can speak honestly about who we are and who we want to be.
We shouldn’t continue to be silenced by those who are uncomfortable, those who wish to control our bodies and our decisions, and those who are wilfully not listening to our voices. As women there’s already more than enough of that going around.
It’s time we stood up for each other and made room for all of us to speak authentically and live the very best lives we can, with or without children.
If you liked this article, please do jump on my list and grab your free journal prompts. I send out blog posts, videos and offers weekly or fortnightly (never more!) on important subjects that matter to women and mental health. Follow me on Facebook here. And of course, if you’re looking for a counsellor from anywhere in the world (or even if you weren’t but now maybe you’re thinking you are) I am here to help. Reach out here to ask any questions or set up a free consult. I would love to walk alongside you, no matter what you’re grappling with.
Main image by Patrick Hendry on Unsplash
Nicole,
I love this article. You touched on so many points that have chased me down the streets many a time. Thank you for having the courage to put to voice my own private choice. A choice I made many years ago to not have children.
For me, the choice wasn’t as much about being child-free as wanting to be responsible. When I was young I did not believe I had what it took to be a good parent. I did not want to bring a child into the world that I had no faith that I could give it what it needed. Many would have said, no one feels ready. You just do it and find your way. I often wondered about this mentality. I see so much pain and suffering in the world. Parents passing this on to their children. Why would I risk this? For my ego?
I was also aware that environmentally, our world needed to stop reproducing at the rate we were. This was part of my decision too.
But I’ve also gone through moments of doubt and even regret. But who doesn’t?
Perhaps there are remarkable parents that never once question the decision, or often non-decision to have children.
And why do women get pressured into this role and not men? Women also place this pressure on each other. The subtle message that you are truly fulfilled (as a woman) when you have children, is heartbreaking and filled with judgement and repressive attitude.
I think people who choose not to have children often think harder about what is meaningful for them. And just as there are those who have children based on their own selfish desires, there are perhaps some who are equally selfish choosing not to have them. But let’s not paint everyone with the same brush.
And one other point that pops into mind is the idea that we should all love children (Another justification?). Not everyone who has children likes them either. Pressure to have children clouds that issue too. So let’s let go of this need to prove something to the world that never asks it of parents. BTW, I don’t believe liking and loving are the same things.
When we are at peace with our decision then it gets easier. We only feel on the outside of the norms of society when we imagine that society is where we want to be.
My choice? To let go of justifying and explaining by simply honouring my own truth. That is enough.
Thanks again Nicole for raising such an important topic.
‘Let go of justifying and explaining by simply honouring my truth’!!! After being chased down the street (and I wonder, having that feeling of ‘what have I done wrong??!’) that sounds like a wonderful, justice-serving, and self-compassionate choice Maire. Thank you for sharing your experiences, feelings and choices here, I’m sure they are dearly appreciated by other women who have been judged or singled out.
Hi, Childfree author of Families of Two and The Baby Matrix here…thank you for this piece. I have to say that in almost 20 years of researching and writing about the childfree choice and those who make it, the online world has created the opportunity for building childfree community (online And in-person) that was never there before. I know on the ground challenges remain, but just 17 years ago, it was Very hard to find one’s tribe at all if you were a childfree person. We have to keep finding each other, and find ways to meet in person. I get emails a lot about how Meetup has worked so well for the childfree to find local connections and ways to enjoy each other. May things like this continue to grow and expand ~Laura Carroll ~ check out my ever growing La Vie Childfree writings library (started in 2009!) : https://www.lauracarroll.com/category/childfree/
Hi Laura. Thanks for commenting. Yes to the Internet and Yes to growth as a community and as human beings and supportive women across the board: mentally and emotionally and physically and digitally.
I dont have any problem with my choice. As I always say, if you dont like me , the problem is your not mine. I do believe when you make the right decision in your life and feel great about it, I dont need to explain who I am or why I made such decision.
Ok..when you are single, you have singles friends…when you are a married, you have a married friends…then when you are childless, as me, the majority of my friends are childfree…simple! Then I dont feel this negativity around me. I truly believe the way you behave towards of your decision means everything!! BTW, I love this article!!
Hi Teresinha. Fantastic to hear about such positive experiences of connection!
I must admit I was saddened when I read your blog Nicole. To take a reflective, thoughtful, considered and many other such words decision to not physically give birth to a child is a huge achievement. It is counter culture. To then feel judged, pitied, questioned, responsible for the woes of the economic world and also reassured you would have been a “great mum” is quite a burden.
What I am about to say may or may not be PC, however, as I start to assume and wear my “crone mantle”, in itself not very PC, I had a strong urging to speak to women who have chosen to be childless/child free, have not chosen to be so but are, or have chosen to have a child/children, the bottom line is we are all women.
I was in my 20’s when the second wave of feminism broke on the shores of the western world. We are all individuals and especially so defined in today’s world. However, as you say, we are also tribal. What that means in 2017 is complex and we have no easy way of having this need met.
I go back to the original statement I made, that we are all women. Now that is one big tribe! In those heady days of the 1970’s, glimpsed and experienced what it meant to be part of that huge, inspirational, we can achieve anything tribe of women and understood and felt for the first time, what this “sisterhood” was all about.
In real time it was but a fleeting experience, but experience it I did and have never given up believing that it is always possible for the sisterhood to express herself in one form or another, and has indeed done so throughout my life and human herstory.
The trouble is that our story in all its richness and diversity has not been freely available to us, as the power was not in out hands, nor the means to tell and celebrate our stories. It has been an underground process and those women who dared to challenge and stand up and speak out were usually silenced – by brutal force, death, social ostracism, deemed mad, dangerous and expendable.
I have seen all these things happen in my life, so imagine what it most have been like in less “civilised” times! Most women have watched this punishment of other women all their lives and have decided to stay in line, say nothing and hope things will change.
They have been groomed from birth to perpetuate the biological imperative, for a mother is much more likely to conform. Her child , or the loss of her, is another weapon to coerce obedience to the patriarchy. So many women have chosen to turn against their tribe: to blame, demean, trivialise, judge, justify, criticise, condemn.
How else have they lived with their own choices? We have been encouraged to view each other as competitors in this human journey and not companions.
As a woman who fell into motherhood in an unconscious way, I celebrate your courage to stand in your own strength and make a decision which is right for you at this time. Of course, once we place our feet on a particular pathway, we know we are foregoing another. Happens all through our lives. To be human is to wonder what if …? We are imaginative , curious creatures and have the capacity to look backwards and forwards. And we do so, often.
As an older, married mother and woman, I wish to say this to you. I applaud your choice, something for which second wave feminists fought. I love your integrity to be true to your own vision for the future. Stand tall and love yourself. Be kind and gentle and hold yourself with compassion and joy. Seek yourself and you will find your tribe/s, for there are many in a lifetime.
You wrote: the broader social implication is that there is no publicly acceptable way to just BE a woman and live a life of contentment.
Remember, you do not have to justify yourself, for you are acceptable, in fact perfect, just as you are now. We do not cease to be advocates for justice and human rights . We do not stop caring for our world and all that assails it. We do not stop talking and discussing issues with those we choose to.
But behind all this is you, just as you are, seeking peace and contentment. That is your journey and I honour it.
Thank you so much Jan for this meditation on motherhood within the context of conformity/society/feminism and also this amazing herstory! A balanced and beautiful perspective, I very much appreciate your honesty and the way you stand in your own truth here by saying things that are difficult and not necessarily popular. ‘We do not cease to be advocates for justice and human rights. We do not stop caring for world and all that assails it’. No. We don’t. It’s so much better when we can do that alongside one another :).
Jan, I too am in my “crone years” and have watched and observed our cultures responses to the choice of children or not, adoptive or own from choice, and # of children too.
I have always intellectually supported couples and women’s own choices. And over the years that acceptance has depended to a truer heartfelt support. I truly believe that if we each fully embrace the choices of our own journey and support those around us with their choices, the world will be a much better place. The tapestry created will be Beautiful.
It saddens me that we women can be so judgemental of one another and our different choices. I feel as if I have spent my life learning to accept and embrace the myriad of choices women now have. Now in my 70s I seem to be heading in a good direction.
And as I tell my children “ learn from me, my mistakes and successes, and go on to be the new improved model and I can learn from you”
I am a Mother of Four wonderful now adult children. I feel Blessed and at many times over the years had to remind myself of that as I am so aware of the constraints I have experienced being a Mother of four. for many years I lived in a community where I was criticised for having four children rather than the acceptable one or two, especially since our first two were a boy and a girl. The only acceptable reason for having a third was if you were trying for a boy after two girls. Then we had the audacity to have a fourth. Suddenly I didn’t fit in.
Judgements about family choice can come in many forms and certainly reflect the community in which one lives.
Thank you again for affirming women in whatever choice they make.
Used to be a superb closed Childfree forum on the internet, life-saving for so many of us, but it died a few years ago after several decades of activity, supplanted by Social Media. I absolutely hear you! I’ve been active and vocal for Childfreedom since the 1970’s, and it pains me to see what looks like regression on the issue in the past few years.
Artemisia, I have received a number of emails and comments from women saying the same thing you have: that the response to being childfree and the social stigma have actually gone backwards. It’s sad to hear that, and it also suggests that we are even more embedded in Foucault’s self-policing than we were previously: ‘each society has its regime of truth, its “general politics” of truth: that is, the types of discourse which it accepts and makes function as true’. However I do think- hope- that as different generations in ‘waves’ expose these power dynamics around the ways we relate to one another that we can make a more conscious choice to stop. To stop policing each other’s choices. To care for one another and lift ‘us’ up. That’s why I serve women as a counsellor :).
Artemisia: Were you ever on the CFA or LivingFree sites? A lot of us were on those almost 20 years ago. They were a lot more fun before social media took over.
I’m childfree and proudly so. And I’m Italian living in Italy, a very catholic, very family oriented country where ‘i figli sò piezz’e core” , the children are pieces of your heart, as an old neapolitan saying goes. My husband and I have the same view on this. We love our life the way it is, we both work, but are not too career oriented, we own our own house that we share with 4 cats and a dog, all saved from the streets. We spend our spare time reading, going to the woods with the dog, going places with my husband’s motorbike. I’ve been told I’m selfish, shallow and that I’missing amazing experiences and without having a child I’ll never know what real love is. I never gave a second thought to these stupid remarks, and I nevere regretted my decision. The only thing that for a while made me feel bad about it is that I know my parents really really wanted to have grandchildren and me being an only child and being childfree, well, I sort of crushed their dreams. But frankly, this is their problem, not mine and even of sometimes I still feel a bit like I let them down I know that that the choice my husband and I made years ago turned out to be the best one for us. Thank you for your article, and sorry for my poor English!
Monica, I love hearing how you and your husband live, especially in Italy. This idea that we have to be crazy career people if we don’t have children is one that drives me wild. Can we not just LIVE? Experience our environment, our world, enjoy the spaces we occupy, struggle with hard times, feel the love for each other, make mistakes, have fun, travel, read, walk, breathe in and out exactly where we are and be satisfied? Equating ‘busyness’ with ones worth is, I feel, a huge error along the path of humanity. It is one of my greatest privileges to help people get back in touch with their humanness and just be. Fight for each others rights to a life of fulfilment whatever that may look like. It is hard thinking of the parents and their hopes, but ultimately I would hope most parents would really just want their children to be happy. Thank you for sharing (And FYI your english is perfect).
as an older childfree woman i like you wanted to find others like me. i looked hard and found a few. i also found out that i had made my decision and needed to stand strong in that. any time we take the less marked road there will be those that will have an opinion. our society expects folks to conform. your article spoke on many important points and ones that go through the mind of many of us. sometimes i wonder about the road i did not take but we all make choices with this life and i am glad i did not fold under pressure
What an inspiring experience you’ve shared Ming Ming. The idea of taking ‘the road less travelled’ being harder but ultimately more rewarding (standing by your ‘youness’ and following your own values) is an important one. It’s something I explore a lot with my clients: anytime you do something brave, there will be those that don’t like you or judge you, and getting to be ok with that is part of the experience. That doesn’t mean there aren’t times when one won’t- doesn’t- wonder what it would have been like ‘down the other road’ or wish it was easier, wish they conformed more comfortably, but ultimately we have to be able to stand by our choices. Thank you for sharing.
How do you know you don’t want to have children? Everyone seems to have decided, all my friends seem to be sure they will or won’t, and I’m here in the middle totally unsure and just watching myself wait until it will be too late… How do you really know?
Hi Sarah, I LOVE LOVE LOVE this question. Thank you so much for being brave enough to ask it. As you may have noticed in my article, I wrote the words ‘with increasing sureness over the last few years’. So it’s not something I was always clear on. I admire those who are and always were, no matter what their choice!
In my counselling practice, I meet a number of women who are unsure. That’s partly why I wrote this story: to reach out to those women. To make it clear that it SHOULD be a choice and not something anyone does because of FOMO or social pressure or partner pressure or even biological pressure. I think the answer is harder than in a response to a blog post question. I know for me I didn’t even know the word ‘childfree’ until I started curiously searching for positive spaces occupied by those who don’t have kids, to see what it’s like- not being such a visible choice. And if i’m speaking honestly, some of the childfree forums can be quite nasty. Each to their own, but I was looking for inspiring women I could look up to and whose lives I could imagine living.
I recommend starting with a few of the first websites and forums i mentioned above. ‘Childfree is not a dirty word’ contains articles by women who are ‘agnostic’ and is a respectful thought-provoking space. You may also meet others in forums who aren’t or weren’t sure who you can chat with. I don’t think it’s always a helpful conversation to have with people who are doggedly either side. When you are reading articles or books by people who are enthusiastic about either choice (enthusiastic is good. Mean, smug and dogged perhaps not so much), critically look at what they’re saying through your own lens: Does this particular viewpoint matter to me? Is this something that fits with what I believe, my lifestyle, my hopes for the future? What would it really feel like to be ME in either situation? Do I admire this person and their experience? What is it specifically I admire? If I was in their situation, would I be able to get on board with myself if I made the same choices OR if the unexpected was thrust upon me? Do I have a partner or family or friends who would genuinely be there alongside me in my decisions? If not, how would I find folks who like me for me where we can help each other grow? How would I like to grow in this life? What do I value- hold dear? If I truly picture having a child throughout my entire life- their life- does that sit well with me? Make me happy? If so, where can I find more stories- truthful stories- about parenting? If not where can I find more stories- truthful stories- about people who are childfree and content in that choice or people who had children, and if they’d felt able to, perhaps would have chosen not to?
Having conversations with older women who can speak honestly on these subjects- like many of the commenters here- is also pretty key. I’ve had the incredible privilege in my work and in my personal life to hear from and walk alongside older women, and that’s been helpful.
It is also helpful to talk with people who really know you or who are and are interested in YOU making the best choice for YOU, or people who are completely neutral (ie: a professional).
Lastly, doing some of the old ‘soul searching’ never goes astray… journaling, drawing, meditating, travelling and thinking, yoga, listening to music that moves you, simply thinking without judging yourself. Whatever works for you, but spending some ‘deeper’ time with yourself on this one is worth it. Thank you again for asking this important question, I know you are not alone in wondering, and I commend you for actually thinking about such an important decision.
Hi Nicole,
I loved your article. I am a woman in my mid-40s who really knew in my early twenties that I was not destined to be a mother. It was something that I never felt an urge or need to be. It is true in a lot of instances, that I have felt judged for making this decision and it is a shame as I actually know a few women who feel similarly.
I have two nieces and I love them dearly, however I have never had the maternal urge to have a child of my own. I am the cool aunt who has an opportunity to do fun things with them and I’m not too tired or too busy to spend time with the girls.
I have been working in the travel industry for the past 15-20+ years and I do have a pretty free-wheeling/gypsy life that is allowed by not having children. I have loved having this type of life and in a lot of aspects, it is quite envious to my friends, as I can pack up and leave whenever I want, with no commitment.
I do want to mention that I am currently single and that has not affected my decision anymore than if I was part of a couple. I have ensured the people I dated are not wanting children either. I would not want you to lead someone to believe that is an option. I would prefer to meet someone who did not have children, however the likelihood of that may be a minority as opposed to people with children (if so, preferably grown).
I have absolutely no issue with someone wanting or desiring children, and I would never question them on that decision so I feel the same respect should be given to me.
I have recently become a member of a child-free group in Brisbane that gets together, however it is not only child free people who belong to it, which, to me and my friend I joined with, defeats the purpose. Grandmothers and people with stepchildren also arrive and start showing photos – children does mean no children, not grown ones.
Once again I would like to send my congratulations on you bringing this to the full front it was a fantastic article and I am forwarding it on to my friends both with children and without – thank you!
Hi! This was such a beautiful piece and I’m honored to have been mentioned among such fabulous women and organizations.
“It’s time we stood up for each other and made room for all of us to speak authentically and live the very best lives we can, with or without children.” — I couldn’t agree more! We all need a space to be ourselves and speak our individual truths. Being childfree can feel isolating at times but I am always encouraged by the online community of both women who are childfree by choice and women who are childless by circumstance.
Thank you for this post 🙂
Thank you for this Nicole. I was just saying over coffee with a friend this morning, who has just become pregnant, that I have no-one in my boat. She said I am a pioneer. Maybe so, but it sure is lonely. There will be more of us as time goes on, but for now, it’s very helpful to read about women around the globe who are in the same boat. I wish I could go for coffee with some of you. I’m with you in spirit, ladies.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this ! I laughed and cried when I got to the part about googling childfree women at 3 am because it is currently 2:45 am and that is EXACTLY what I’m doing. I found a new peace and hope for being who I am unapologetically
I’m a middle aged married woman who has always been childfree. I’d like to banish the myth that all women have thought about having children even those who are childfree. I can say with absolute certainty that I have never wanted to have children nor have I ever once thought about it EVER! I was comfortable with my choice not to conceive as I’ve been with everything else I’ve chosen not to do (i.e. steal, rob a bank, kill, etc.) My point is, some people like myself don’t have second thoughts due to gender assignments of being a woman. Honestly, until I spoke with other women who pondered the thought of not birthing children, is when I even remotely considered if this was a good decision. However, it was only because I heard other women go back and forth about why they didn’t want children or if they’d make a good mother if they did have children, etc. Many of these women went on to have children so in my opinion, it was a phase for them to say they didn’t want children. For me, it was an absolute, resounding, certain NO…period! I’m very plain spoken about this issue because what I’ve always known is every human being is responsible for how their life turns out. Only I know what’s best for me so I never let society, elders, other women, etc. dictate my life script. I feel good knowing my mind is powerful enough to know what it wants and can carry out my thoughts about how I view the world without intervention from outside my head. I wish women would just honor their inner conscious and if they feel they shouldn’t do something for whatever their reasons, then they just don’t do it. I am unapologetic about this so help me God. I wish the best to all the mothers out there. I feel bad for any woman who feels pressured to have children against her will because she’s a woman. This is despicable to me, especially if that woman knows what she does and doesn’t want. Please do not think all women feel any kind of regret, remorse, or feel less than a woman if she doesn’t reproduce. If you do think this, think of me, I’ll be one of the first if not the first to praise my decision to not have children and have turned a deaf ear to the noise of others. I hope all the mothers out here are happy with their choice to bear children. I even more so praise all the women who DECIDED not to have children and have no issue with standing on the mountaintop and yelling “I’m free by choice”…this is my verbal decree to all women. Be blessed as mothers and as childfree women!
I have been told that I would regret my decision to not have children. I have had to tell people I’m not a mother on Mother’s Day at church, only to have them say, “Oh, I’m sorry.” (As in, they’re sorry I’m not a mother). I also have to deal with the constant advice about how I can be a mother figure to other people’s children, my nieces and nephews, etc. as if my only role must be that of a mother. I have had to explain to people that I don’t think women should have children simply because they are herded into that role. It should be a conscious, active choice, something they really want for their life, not something they do just because that’s what everyone does. There are so many people who have kids, then check out of parenthood because they never really honestly wanted to be parents but felt socially obligated to have children. If more people were honest with themselves and less prone to social pressure, there would be fewer abused and neglected children. I know I am absolutely happy with my decision to remain child free.
I made the decision over 40 years ago to be childfree and I do not regret it at all. I knew at a young ago I was not suited for motherhood and saw many other’s that shouldn’t have been parents but gave into social pressure. Yes they do check out so to speak before the child is grown and that is worse than not having a child. The main point here is that is really no ones business what you decided.
Yes I agree, it is no one’s business… and yet everyone wants to talk about it don’t they?! Good on you for knowing and staying true to yourself despite social pressures.