VIDEO: Why is separation so painful?

We ALL know separation is one of the most painful experiences you can go through in this life and this stuff of ‘being human’.

But sometimes we don’t understand how badly it hurts until we’re IN it. Breakups are physical, emotional, mental, spiritual. Divorce is a relentless battle with someone else, yourself AND the state and legal system. Why is separation so painful? Well, for starters it’s in the word: it’s like literally being torn in two.

I could continue, but you know don’t need to hear me bang on. You really know it. The feelings and experiences are almost indescribable.

Sometimes, however, they’re also confusing.

I mean we GET IT right?

I lost someone. They hurt me, or I hurt them, or we hurt each other. We loved each other, deeply, once. Or at least I loved them. This shocked me. I wasn’t expecting it to end like this. I don’t know what to do with myself. What about our families? Our home? Our kids? Our dogs?

But then there’s ‘something else’ that causes pain when separating.

Forces that are much less obvious.

Much less well-known.

I’ve made a couple of videos to talk about ‘THOSE’ things and provide some clarity on what you might be going through. They first went live on my Coffs Harbour and Bellingen Counselling Facebook page. 

Check them out below:

• You’ve lost your vision of the future

As I talk about in the video above, the brain likes to be cosy. One of the ways it gets cosy is to be familiar with what is going on. Your ‘memory’ brain creates little visions of the future. When that vision truly disappears, it is terrifying for your brain. An emptiness appears. Absence. Chasm. It panics. You panic. You’ve got nothing to ‘grip’ onto. Even if what it was gripping onto wasn’t very good, at least it was known. This has a huge impact on you PHYSICALLY and can lead to all sorts of choice-making that isn’t actually in alignment with your values. Watch to find out some more about this.

• Our identity conclusions are heavily influenced by social norms

It drives me crazy that our primary method for measuring a successful relationship is longevity. When a long-term relationship ends we think we’ve failed. The marriage ‘failed’. And therefore I am a ‘failure’. Fits in nicely with our whole crappy personal ‘failure story‘. The way this is reinforced is by what might be called ‘micro-aggressions’, in which people say or do ‘tiny’ things that perpetuate stereotypes. Dangerous stereotypes. Things like ‘Don’t throw away 10 years!!’ (even though you’re telling someone that you’ve very carefully considered your decision, you’ve tried EVERYTHING, and you are so miserable it is not possible to go on). Watch to find out more about how this impacts you.

There are so many ‘invisible’ forces at work when we go through any significant and life-changing experiences.

I wonder what others you’ve felt the shock of- and survived? Perhaps you could share in the comments below.

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Did you like these videos? Then check out some others, such as this one on How I’m Using Shrill the Love My Curvy PCOS Body and you can too. Or if you’re not into videos, have you checked out my written blog post 4 Creative Ways to use the Internet as Self-Care?

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